No, This is the new address for this blog

http://www.itscriminalthecomedy.com/blog/

THIS IS THE NEW ADDRESS FOR THIS BLOG

www.murraymeyer.com


or

www.itscriminalthecomedy.com

I'VE MOVED THIS BLOG TO www.murraymeyer.com

www.murraymeyer.com
www.itscriminalthecomedy.com

GRANDMA HUG

When I started the case the grandma of my client gave me a big bear hug cause she was so happy I was on her grandson's case and I was so much better than the prior lawyer.

In the middle of the case she's yelling at me as I leave the courtroom - basically a flow of obsenities leading up to the conclusion "you're railroading my grandson!!".

When the case ends and miraculously her grandson is getting released from custody and I'm leaving court, she's waiting for me outside the courtroom with her arms wide open -looks like another hug. I turn back and sneek out the back of the courtroom. Fuck her hugs.

IT IS WRITTEN

Remember in Lawrence of Arabia when he goes back across the desert they have just crossed to rescue his Arab buddy who fell off his camel and Omar Sharif tells Lawrence not to bother cause "IT IS WRITTEN" (that the guy is toast) and Lawrence being the kind of guy he is goes back into the desert and rescues his bud (could it have been Anthony Quayle?) and says to Omar "IT IS NOT WRITTEN, ALI, NOTHING IS WRITTEN"? Well the same thing (almost same thing) happened to me in court the other day.
My guy's in custody in court for a probation violation. According to the probation officer's report; he hadn't reported regularly; he hadn't done his CalTrans he was ordered to do and a bunch of other stuff including he'd been arrested for something else (although that was dismissed). But it was the second time he'd had a probation violation and he was surely going to get sentenced to state prison for three years because that was what he had hanging over his head when he originally was placed on probation - a "Joint Suspended" sentence (nothing to do with mutton)- that is three years state prison suspended over his head if he fucked up on probation - which he did.
The Judge says he's gonna give him the three years. But before that the guy has to be found in violation and he's entitled to a Hearing (which is usually the judge reading the probation officer's report)and then finding the guy in violation and then sentencing him. Boom, boom.
Usually in these situations the probationer will admit the violation and take the time. Everybody is trying to persuade the guy to admit the violation because otherwise there's got to be a hearing and he has no chance and he's gonna end up with the three years no matter what - which is what his previous lawyer said too - and then the DA joins in telling him to just admit the violation so he can move on cause he's getting the three years no matter what - IT IS WRITTEN.
The guy insists on the hearing. He gets his opportunity to actually talk to the judge, giving his side of things. And the judge actually listens to this guy's explanations for not doing the probation conditions. I don't know if it was the water or what but this tough guy judge liked the guy's rap and put him back on probation and he's released from custody.
Of course with Lawrence, he later in the film ends up having to personally execute his buddy that he rescued, (for killing one of Omar's men) so I guess that was written.
We shall see if this probationer comes back for another violation and gets his three years to find out definitively if IT IS TRULY WRITTEN.

girls girls girls

I'm going to write three line novels of each.

BRETHREN

Judge says something I don't understand. Heard the words but I couldn't understand what it meant. Something about procedure. She's getting impatient with me because I don't understand. The DA walks over to me and whispers in my ear. "I don't understand what she's talking about either."

NOW THESE ARE TOUGH CASES

A criminal lawyer I know cited a case to persuade a judge to try his client separately from the other defendants - of course this is done all the time but the interesting thing about the case that he used was that it was a Federal case and it was the Timothy McVeigh case. Now that's a tough row to hoe.

I'm presently reading the "Eichmann Interrogations" - his statements to the Israeli police. At first I'm thinking - wow - this guy's a great witness - he's actually got a defense - he didn't know what was going on. According to him all he did was follow orders and arrange "transportation". But then all that stuff about him visiting the death camps and even making recommendations on how to improve the killing process comes out and - well - it starts looking like not such a good case after all.


Osama hasn't come to trial yet (if he ever does) so you can't know - but I know one thing - that's going to be a tough case to try. That much I know.

Pre Need Legal Services

I’ve been thinking about ways to increase my business which is lousy. I came up with PRE-NEED LEGAL SERVICES. This is for the common citizen. Of course the Mafia and Big Business & Big Government have always had these services but what about people like me and you?
It’s like PRE-NEED burial plots.
I’m not talking about PREPAID Legal Insurance, like Medical Insurance, where you pay for legal services that you may or may not need.
No, PRE-NEED is – if you’re thinking about committing a crime - talk to a lawyer about it first.*
I could advise you (based on my daily experiences of seeing people after they're arrested in criminal courts) of what you need to worry about in order to:
1. Avoid being caught. For instance, (and this is only one example) don't brag about the crime to your friends or associates. Seems basic but you'd be surprised at the percentage of persons who can't seem to keep their mouth shut and end up shackled in court.
2. Avoid being convicted, if caught. Like, don’t take off your disguise when you rob a STORE as you get closer to the register and the camera. Again, you'd be surprised at how many robbers do.
3. Minimize your time in prison if you are caught and convicted. Right off the bat (no pun intended) you should know whatever the crime, you're a lot better off using anything but a gun. That's because there are all these wacky laws about the use of guns in crimes which increase the time you'll go away for like crazy. I'm talking the "L" word - "Life". DON’T USE A GUN - not worth it. There are other weapons available including the aforementioned "bat".
Just thinking.



*obviously they'll have to change the law & all those ethical rules about not being allowed to counsel a future crime but these are tough economic times; lawyers are losing their jobs left & right.

DISCOVERY

Attorney are always "conducting discovery". First time I heard this term I thought wow, this is deep - a secret rite.
Now I know it's just the DA giving you the police report. So much for mystery.

JULY 17TH - Performance - Save the Santa Monica Playouse

I'VE SOLVED CALIFORNIA'S BUDGET CRISIS

The solution to the whole budget thing occurred to me the other day when a judge was sentencing two of my clients - one right after the other - after they accepted the DA's "offer" of 4 years in State Prison in return for their guilty pleas. The judge while pronouncing "judgment" orders them, in addition to the state prison time to pay "restitution", "court costs", "fees", even something called a "Conviction Assessment Fee". These all were pursuant to Government Code something and Government Code something else and Penal Codes something else. Judges do this all the time routinely and it's something they're probably required to do pursuant to Government Codes something something. And it takes a long time for judges to say all of it. Probably didn't add up to more than $500.00.
I love these "fees" and "costs" and "assessments" especially when the defendant is going to prison for something like 450 years to life. Some judges actually seem to want to slam them with all this stuff like "yeah and take this too!".
I'm thinking the State Legislature should increase all these "fees", "costs" and "assessments" to really cover the costs - like for how much it actually costs California, not only for the courts but the prisons too. Assess these convicted felons the several millions it costs to house them in prison if they're 20 years old and sent to spend the next 450 years plus in custody. Not that they're any more likely to pay that any more than they pay the smaller amount usually ordered. But then California can balance the budget cause wouldn't these thing all this money owed be Assets that the State is owed? We'd be way ahead. That's the solution. Just thinking.

More Words I Can't Remember

There are certain words that come up in legal argument all the time that for some reason (missing brain cells?) I just can't bring from my brain to my lips to say when it's needed.
I'm doing a two defendant preliminary hearing and at the end of the evidence presented by the DA it's time for the defendant to make a "motion to dismiss". Lots of times it's kind of a perfunctory, "for the record" kind of thing.
This time the lawyer for the other defendant went first and argued for the case to be dismissed and actually argued very effectively. Then it was my turn. It was a robbery case and my colleague had made all the same points I would have made. I stood up - “Your honor I’d like to... " and the word I was looking for just escaped me. I wanted to say "what the guy said just now goes for me too" but didn't think that would be lawyerly. I was sweating as I stood there struggling to find the word. Finally, the judge, either because he wanted to wrap it up or took pity on me, said "join Mr. Meyer?". "Yes your honor, that's exactly what I'd like to do."

BABY'S MOMMA

Defendant on the stand testifying about his whereabouts on the day of the crime. He says I was at my "baby momma's house". Then the DA kept on using the term "baby momma's house" on question after question. After quite some time the judge, a black woman, interrupted the DA's cross-examination and in an exasperated and/or disgusted tone says to the defendant on the stand "does this person have a name?" "Yeah" the defendant said "Latoya". "Then use her name" the judge snaps.

WHO'S THE BROAD?

I'm in court almost every day of the year and above the judge in every single courtroom of California is this State Seal. I only ever notice it when the judge reads Jury Instructions to the jury. When I looked at it recently it really threw me. Who is that lady dressed up like a Roman soldier? I looked it up and see it's Minerva the Roman goddess of "Wisdom". There has got to be a punch line but it's eluding me.

BAND OF BROTHERS

Oh we brave few - that's the feeling I get trudging up to the attorney lounge at noon after the morning session in trial which is usually a losing one and seeing all the other lawyers sitting around - or even lying around; most just waiting - waiting for a witness - waiting for a judge to decide - waiting for a court to call their case - just waiting.
Sometimes there's someone in the midst of some great victory - a lesser charge allowed in - a concession by the DA - a dismissal of one of ten counts - or even a hung jury - or on the rare occasion, a "NG"* (WE WON THE WAR) of all unlikely things.
Most of them, however, are in my boat having had their heads handed to them in the morning - but keeping hope up for the afternoon when who knows there might be some small victory lying in wait; a good ruling from the judge, a cop being honest about how it actually looked, something that comes in that you can argue about in final argument. Either way the battle goes on at 1:30.
Bring it on.



*Not Guilty if you have to ask

CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE

"Circumstantial" - this is another of those words I just can't for the life of me remember all the time. Not so much remember but remember the word to say it when I'm speaking. See, I'm nervous that when it comes down to saying it - "circumstantial evidence". I can write it out easy as pie now - "circumstantial, circumstantial, circumstantial, circumstantial" (i can go on forever like this but you might think I could just be pasting it in but I am really typing it each time - cross my heart - so you see what kind of idiot i can be)
It's got me tense because I'm in a trial and supposed to be doing the final argument on Monday and it's the "circumstantial evidence" that is my guy's biggest hurdle in this case and I gotta talk about it - well - I think I should - there's a lot I could say about it - or maybe not - maybe i shouldn't talk about it much - maybe i shouldn't mention it at all - that's an alternative - that would be the solution to my problem.

SQUABBLING LAWYERS

As I was waiting in court for my case to be called, I sat there watching as three lawyers were "addressing" the court and each other. For a moment I felt like a tv viewer who happened to flip to an unfamiliar sitcom and stick around to see what it was all about. It took a minute or two to figure out that these two defense attorneys and one prosecutor were simply trying to pick the next court date for their case. There was always a problem with a particular date. "No that's not good for me - I have a conflict on that day. What about the 4th?" "Bad day for me counsel, it's my nephew's grade school graduation." And on and on. Everyone in that crowded courtroom, including the defendants in custody, the court reporter, the clerk, and the people and lawyers waiting for other cases to be called had to listen to this. Every once in a while the judge would think there was a date agreed to and eagerly say - "So that's it? It's Thursday, the 6th?" - but no that wouldn't actually do for one of the attorneys - "I'm set for trial in Compton that day and Judge Cheroske ... well you know Cheroske." There's more blither and blather back and forth. At some point it reaches some plateau where it's clear to all that some major point of existential absurdity has been reached. The judge looks down from the bench with a look like "would someone please give me the air bubble?"
Okay, I'll admit it, I too have participated in this kind of special Olympics for lawyers event of "picking a date". I had no idea I was so amazing.

REDACT

One of those words I can never remember. I always have to use it too. Because there's always something that needs "redacting" - always - your guy's statement - a crimey's statement - a witness. Hate it when my client tells me the word. I'm the goddamn lawyer I know the word - it just takes me a while to get it out.

Yeah Baby!

For some reason this Judge is giving it to this young cocky DA at a preliminary hearing. I say, giving it to him because being stupid and cocky in a DA doesn't usually get you in trouble with a Judge. But there must have been some bad shit between these two. Because she really got on his tail. She interrupts him as he questions his witness - in a voice like she was talking to a 4th grader – "Mr. So & So – look at the jury instructions before you present your case so you’ll know the elements you have to prove. I am tired of having to do your job for you." Man she was mad. And my client's boyfriend lets out a whoop from the audience. One for the oppressed yeah! He's thrown out of court. I have to say I enjoyed it too. As long as it wasn’t me. And then, of course, the Judge held my client to "answer"* and put her in jail.



*answer enough evidence to hold defendant for trial.

THE TRUTH

Somebody asked me if I ever asked my clients to tell me "the Truth". "The Truth"? Why would I do that? Why would I want to hear something that could burden the both of us? I never do. I tell them what they’re being charged with. I tell them what the cops say. And then it’s their turn. If they want to tell me “the Truth” then, o.k., what am I gonna do? Sometimes I believe their story and sometimes I don’t, but I know one thing. I never ever "know" for sure if it’s really "the Truth". Besides, it’s the DA that’s supposed to be "seeking" "the Truth". Honestly. That's how it's supposed to work. I defend my clients legal rights and the DA seeks "the Truth". Somewhere it's written in the DA rules or laws or canons, whatever, that they are supposed to do that. I’m sure there are those DA’s who take that very seriously. But I don’t think all of them do. I think they are human and they want to win. And that usually means that they "believe" my guy is guilty.
Lots of time my clients never even attempt to tell me "the Truth" which I appreciate. Then I can concentrate one hundred percent on doing whatever I can to do my job.
Believing your client's story is usually a big risk because that might not be enough to get him acquitted. For instance, kidnapping someone and demanding $50,000 to release them because the person "fucked my wife" is not actually a full defense, although it may be the truth. Sometimes the truth isn’t good enough for the job at hand which is staying out of jail.

JUDGES MISHEGAS

there's the judge that is always kvetching from the bench (how this friend owes him money and won't pay him; how a contractor screwed him; how you can't trust people anymore - this is during jury selection).
then there are the jurists who:
go crazy when you walk into the "well"*;
go crazy when you "approach a witness" without asking "may I approach the witness?";
go crazy when you ask "may I approach the witness?" and yell at you for asking;
go crazy when you call them "judge" instead of "Your Honor";
go crazy when you wear a sweater that obscures your tie and they think you're trying to pull a fast one and not wear a tie in court;
go crazy when you don't stand up when you address** "the court".



*area in front of the judge's bench - where His Excellency sits
**you never talk to a judge - you always "address the court"

TWIN TOWERS OPERATION

I am at Twin Towers jail waiting for my guy. Through the glass of the visiting area I see, all of a sudden, 20 deputies with helmets & shotguns & protective gear appear in the open area outside the cellblocks. And then they swoop down on the cells. I don't know what's going on. I buzz the help buzzer in the wall. A voice comes on and announces that there's going to be a delay in my client coming since there was a search being conducted. And then the voice cuts off. I'm watching the deputies running this way and that way. I'm thinking I'm the only one in the outside world watching this (there's nobody around because there's only visits for attorneys this day). And I start having a little paranoid moment. Am I supposed to be seeing this? What if I'm not? What if I was watching something they didn't want me to see? They could see me watching them. And they were pumped. I started looking away - like I wasn't watching. That felt stupid.
When they finished they all gathered in the open area outside the cells. They were lined up in formation listening to someone give them a speech. Was this a show and tell? "so & so found a shank in cellblock 3." Was it a Victory oration? "Today we made history." I couldn't hear anything because of the thick glass. I did notice how happy and excited they all looked - like they were about to break out into song.

"We are Deputy Sheriffs and we found a couple of shanks
- we're the Deputy Sheriffs & we don't expect no thanks."

I asked my client about it - he said this was a "mellow" place.

CABBIE

Being a lawyer is similar in one respect, at least, to being a cab driver. You got to hustle for fares.
When I drove cab I used to sit in the cab in the middle of the night with my finger on the two way motorola radio listening intently for the dispatcher to announce an open trip and then pounce on the button like a Jeopardy contestant. All so I'd respond before my fellow cabdrivers. You wouldn't know where the fare was at. You wouldn't know where they were going. You wouldn't know if it was a short or long trip. You wouldn't know if they were good tippers. And you wouldn't even know if they had the money to pay you. You just knew you had to get the fare.

YOU JAMMIN' ME?

"What are you jammin* me for?" DA says to me.
My client had refused to waive time**.
"I'm not jammin you." I tell him. "My client wants to have his trial already." (I'd like to add but I don't "he doesn't know anything aobut your plans to go scuba diving off the reefs in Hawaii next week, asshole - he's in jail - he's not thinking about screwing your trip up but if he knew I'm sure he would love to do just that."
What's wrong with some DA's thinking is they think we're on the same team - when we're only in the same league - on different teams. (unfortunately alot of my clients think the same way - "You're in bed with the DA!")




*jammin" the act of not agreeing to a continuance for your colleague's convenience [colleague can be co-defense counsel or DA] "jamming" is considered very non collegial - very like "civil" lawyers)
**"waiving time" means the defendant says it's okay with him to postpone the trial

i couldn't do probation

What is probation? The dictionary says:
1. the act of testing.
2. the testing or trial of a person's conduct, character, qualifications, or the like.
3. the state or period of such testing or trial.
4. Law.
a. a method of dealing with offenders, esp. young persons guilty of minor crimes or first offenses, by allowing them to go at large under supervision of a probation officer.
b. the state of having been conditionally released.
5. Education. a trial period or condition of students in certain educational institutions who are being permitted to redeem failures, misconduct, etc.
6. the testing or trial of a candidate for membership in a religious body or order, for holy orders, etc.
7. Archaic. proof.

That's heavy shit. But the people who get probation don't have any idea of any of this. It's mainly - "oh I'm getting out of jail" or "oh I'm not going to jail". They give you probation and you figure it’s done. But it's a trap. Cause to the judge it's a big favor he and the system are doing you. And most people are gonna fuck up for sure. You gotta report to the probation department which can be a trial in itself. You think you know what BUREAUCRACY is - try the County Probation Department. They actually charge you a monthly fee - money - for being on probation and then when you don’t pay it - which happens an awful lot - cause - "what? They actually expect me to pay for this?" And missing an appointment with your probation officer? "What's the big fucking deal?"
The big deal is the judges take it personally when you fuck up under probation. "It's as if you slapped me right in the face. Do you know that, sir?" The big deal is you end up in state prison.
I couldn't do it.

IS LIFE HIGH SCHOOL?

Am I still in high school? Threatened by a judge with $5,000 in sanctions for not preparing a brief on time - like being late with your homework. The judge keeps me waiting in court for two hours while he decides what he's really going to do to me. (tell my parents?) And one of the lawyers on the case (a friend) tells me with a giggle he's going to hang out in court just to see what the judge is going to do with me.
That same day I get a call from an appeals lawyer representing my former client who got convicted after a jury trial last year. She wants to know why I didn't object to a question the DA asked the cop on the stand. "I don't know" She waded into me just like a teacher. "Well what was on your mind?" All I could get out was a mumbled "I don't know." If this was on film I'd be looking down at the floor.
The $5,000 in sanctions? The judge settled for making me come back next week.

THE BIRDS DO IT THE BEES DO IT EVEN CLARENCE DARROW DID IT

Sometimes I wish I was a DA. I look with envy on their lot. (well except for those in the welfare fraud division who have to prosecute poor people in wheelchairs for being a little greedy with the dole) The reason I envy DA's is that they have such an easy time of it in trials. All they gotta do is show the jury what my guy (the defendant) did and they'll usually get a conviction. It's really as easy as all that. They don't have to come up with arguments like this:
defendant is accused of threatening a witness to a crime to dissuade the witness from testifying (this is a crime in itself - PC 136).
Defendant says: "snitches die with stitches."
The argument: "This was not a threat, it was simply an observation."
Now I didn't make this pathetically strained argument. I heard another lawyer do it. He obviously had nothing else. The joke is if it came down to it I'd probably make this argument too, if I had nothing else. I know this because I've made them. Shudder. Probably some of them worked. Hallelujah!

TOUGH GIG

I'm in court and watch as a judge listens to a man's brother plead with the judge not to sentence his brother to 25 to life under the 3 strikes law. Although this was the defendant's 3rd or 4th violent crime conviction, the brother told the judge about his brother's struggles with drug addiction. His honor had tears in his eyes as he listened. And then he sentenced the defendant to the 25-life.
Later on I saw the judge in the hallway and said "that must have been tough." He looked at me a little surprised and smiled. "Easy as pie."

DECRIMINALIZE

California prisons are filled to the brim (no pun intended). Why? Because no politician, no judge has ever gotten into trouble for sending "criminals" away for the maximum time possible. BASIC LAW OF BEING A JUDGE OR POLITITICAN. THE TOUGHER YOU SAY YOU ARE ON CRIME THE BETTER YOU WILL DO IN THE POLLS.
Exceptions:
1. prostitution (we arrest them but then let them go unless we can get them on drugs or identity theft et al.)
2. stripping (we don't even arrest them just for that anymore do we?)
3. Bestiality I actually looked it up. It used to be a MAJOR crime Death & worse - just like we treat child molesters today. (check out the Bible) But guess what? Beastialitists must have had friends in high places because the "crime" has turned into a measly misdemeanor - and then only as part of cruelty to animals statutes.
4. marijuans is another, because the children of politicians and their friends use it as do the politicians.
My wife says I don't have a point of view: no I don't think we should put people in prison for prostitution, stripping, bestiality, marijuana either but we shouldn't put people in prison for as long as we do for many, many, crimes. That's my pov.

Anyways I needed an excuse to put another photo of a stripper/mug shot up because - for some reason it attracts advertisers. Who would have thought sex sells.

LAWYERING SKILL

Just today I had a hearing where I didn't say a word. It was a contempt hearing. The judge let my client go without putting him in jail. The judge said "you see Mr. Meyer the less you say the better the lawyer you are."

COURT CRED

I get cred from courtroom staff depending on the bizzareness of my clients cases.
Whenever I see the Kathie the clerk - in whatever court she is in - her face lights up and we reminisce about a trial over 15 years ago where my client's wife - County Probation Officer - testified that my client - also a County Probation Officer - wasn't at that seedy motel on Washington Bl to smoke crack cocaine with a hooker (and later beat her up over a disagreement in their contractual arrangements). The wife knew her husband wasn't at this motel with the hooker because in truth she was the one at that motel with her husband that night. She explained how they liked to go to a seedy motel on Washington Bl on special occasions. On these occasions, she, the wife, would get up on a table and dance and strip, to spice up the relationship. She stepped down from the witness stand and demonstrated the dance. Unfortunately the jury came back guilty. Which doesn't matter much now - it's all about the dance.

I'M A CRIMINAL

last night I had a dream. I did an armed robbery using my antique WWII M-1. Immediately caught I was in a police car and the cop said - "If you tell me what happened I'll give you a break. I know that this was a one time thing and you're not a criminal." In my show - IT'S CRIMINAL the comedy - I do a bit based on my experiences as a criminal defense lawyer about my clients confessing at the drop of a hat. It amazes me they listen to the cops horseshit they use about helping them out etc. In my dream, that's just what happens - the cop says to me - "if you tell me what happened I'll be able to help you out." I think what the hell - and confess. The next thing that happens is I'm in jail and I'm wondering if there is any possible way to escape and how I can case the joint out without the guards knowing that I'm thinking about escaping. And I'm scared.

EYE WITNESS

Eye witnesses are a nightmare for me cause they're so believable. Everyone believes they saw what they say they saw. Even if we read tons of stories in newspapers about some guy getting out of prison after 30 years because some DNA proved that he couldn't be the guy the eyewitness id'd. Even though we see these reports over and over - you put an eyewitness up there and he says "He's the guy!" pointing at my client and the jury is going to convict.
Recently in trial - liquor store robbery with guns and a shootout. The witness who is in the shootout says he saw everything, everything down to minute details about how my guy looked.
I ask. "How's your vision?"
Without hesitation - "Perfect."
But it looks like one of his eyes is higgly so I ask -
"Is something wrong with your right eye?"
"My right eye? Yeah, it’s a prosthetic."

MEDIA QUESTION

Why is it that whenever the cops record an interrogation they put the microphone close to the cops and you can hear them clear as a bell but the guy being worked over - usually my client - you can never hear clearly. Do they do this on purpose?

WHAT DO YOU CALL 8 JUDGES STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR

As I'm leaving the Criminal Courts for lunch a deputy sheriff with glee in his voice shouts "Did you hear there are 8 judges stuck in the elevator!" Wow.

PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS IN COURT

i'm sitting in court and hear this exchange. "Well Mr. so & so if you want to go )pro per (be your own lawyer)you'll be going up against someone who has been to college and then law school and is a tremendously experienced prosecutor. Do you think you can handle that?" "Yes your honor." "Well Mr. so & so - do you even know if the crime you are charged with committing, manslaughter is a general intent or specific intent crime?" Mr. So & So waits a long time. I'm thinking. I don't know the answer. I don't think the judge knows the answer - in fact God doesn't know the answer because nobody knows the answer. That's my position.

SHOUT OUT TO JUSTICE FACTOR

Hey dog!

elevators at the ccb

i'm on the elevator today in the ccb (folz justice center) and there's this young man wearing a suit and an enormous badge announcing he's with the DA's office who gets on and he's whistling. Not absent-mindedly - like people do but he's whistling like he's performing a symphony. We're not alone on the elevator. There's a couple of jurors and a couple of "clients" (could be anybody but they're not lawyers I can tell you that). I'm uncomfortable. People just don't whistle once they get on the elevator. His badge says he's with the DA's office. On the fifth floor a public defender gets on. The whistler continues. The PD shakes his head. the young DA stops whistling and as I get off the elevator says "whistling not allowed on the elevators?" This is a real question I'm sure. I turn and say "no, no whistling on the elevator."

CHRISTMAS TALE 10

The elevator comes and Arthur goes silent. We walk out the front doors of the CCB. "So tell me what happened Arthur?" Arthur shrugs. "What do you think? The jury came back, guilty, murder in the first degree. They were out for every one of 15 minutes. They were not persuaded by Imelda at all. They knew Joker was the murderer. Could I blame them? Let’s go over to the Cathedral – I’ll buy you a coffee.” With my money – but what the hell my car is parked there anyway. At the Cathedral Arthur gets the coffees and a couple of donuts which he devours in a heartbeat. “The next day I get a call from a Father Walter Jacoby. He’s one of the priests at the church where Joker’s daughter’s baptism took place. It’s urgent that we meet, he says, could I come over to the church and talk to him? When was the last time I was inside a Roman Catholic Church with a priest? I’ll tell you, boychik, never. By the time I arrive, Father Walter is a nervous wreck. He's got to confess to someone, he says, even if it's a lawyer. He tells me how he had lied to my investigator when he had been interviewed. Father Walter had actually seen Joker that Christmas day on the steps outside the church door enjoying a cigarette. Father Walter, a secret smoker, had gone outside for a quick smoke, while Imelda and the baby were waiting for him to do the baptism. The priest wanted to make everything right because he was sure that Joker could not have done it. I wasn't too sure that we could do anything about it. It's not like it was DNA which is the only thing anybody believes in these days. And I don't believe in miracles do I? What’s truly miraculous about this is that the DA and the cops actually took this new evidence seriously. They believed this priest.
Even gave him a lie detector test. They convinced themselves that Joker was not there doing the killing that Christmas Day. The wrong guy. Because Joker hadn’t been sentenced yet there was still time to rectify this situation where justice had not prevailed, according to the DA. She scheduled a motion to dismiss the case notwithstanding the jury's verdict. I called Joker's parents to tell them the good news. Joker's sister answered the phone. She didn't even let me tell her the news. ‘Somebody stabbed him in jail. He’s dead.’ It could have been retaliation for the murder he was accused of or retaliation for another gang activity or something entirely unrelated. There were never any arrests made. It all happened on Christmas."

CHRISTMAS TALE 9

"Imelda took the stand. She was spectacular. I believed every word she said. Joker, her husband, mistreated her; Joker was a miserable human being; she hoped she'd never have to see him again; she hoped her daughter would never have to see him either. In fact, Imelda prayed every day that her husband never would be released from jail. And, then I asked her about Joker's whereabouts on Christmas Day. She reluctantly produced the baptismal certificate with the date of the murder and the baptism - Christmas Day. She said her husband indeed had been with her at the Church on at exactly the same time as the killing took place. This is what I refer to, boychik, as an excellent alibi witness. Joker kept on making comments to me during her entire testimony - 'why'd you put her up there? she's a whore. she doing favors for you old man?' I tried to explain to him that she was probably saving him from spending the rest of his life in prison but somehow he didn't seem to appreciate this.
Imelda survived cross admirably. She more than survived, she was triumphant. How can you effectively cross examine the truth? That's what I say. We argued to the jury and the jury went out to deliberate."

CHRISTMAS TALE 8

The Judge banged his gavel and simultaneously jumped off the bench. Court's done, finally. But Arthur is still going on. I'm trying to be polite, I love Arthur, but I want to get outta there. "Arthur..." I try to make him aware that we're the only ones left in the entire courtroom. Arthur doesn't get it. He keeps on telling me the story. "And then the civilian - Hector Gutierrez - I must say I made mince meat of him. He actually got huffy with me when I put it to him that that the view from his window was obstructed behind bars and trees." "Arthur I gotta go." I blurted this out. He looked at me like I had stabbed him in the abdomen. "I thought you wanted to hear the story?" "I do Arthur but they're closing the courtroom." He looked around and seemed to recognize the truth of what I had just said. He frowned with disapproval. He got up out of his chair with a major league grunt. Then his face brightened like he had come up with a solution to a major dilemma. "Okay boychick I'll finish the story on the way out." And he continued talking as I gathered up my stuff and we left the courtroom and went towards the elevators. It was a good strategy on Arthur's part because those CCB elevators can take a very long time to arrive.

CHRISTMAS TALE 7

"Actually the trial itself, once we started with the witnesses went rather well. Boxer's girlfriend, Loretta, quite the looker as we used to say (why do these gangsters attract such lovely gals? After 50 years making this observation I still have no viable theory) - you do remember Boxer, the innocent young man admirably washing his automobile on Christmas day when he was allegedly gunned down at the hands of my client? Loretta took the stand and contrary to what she had told the police before, testified that she was in fact, unable to actually see the gunman as she was still in the apartment when she heard the shots. She had only told the police that she had seen my client because that was the word on the street and she wanted someone to be held accountable for the loss of her beloved Boxer. Our prosecutor, a hard as nails blonde DA, strongly resembling what I imagine to be a Valkyrie, Ms. Ashley Armstrong, did not take this turn of events well. She accused Loretta of lying because she was afraid of gang retaliation. Loretta denied this, holding firmly to her "wanting to tell the truth." Ms. Armstrong reacted to this phrase "wanting to tell the truth" very much as I imagine she would to an obscenity. She accused poor Loretta of disloyalty not only to the truth but to her beloved departed Boxer. Now the tears flowed down Loretta's rosy cheeks. Ms. Armstrong icily terminated her questioning. I had no questions of Loretta.

CHRISTMAS TALE 6

"Okay, maybe not an Astronaut, I'm simply not going to allow myself to be confined in a box for a week or however long it takes to travel in space these days but rest assured I am capable of it if necessary. You do want to hear about the trial?" Arthur didn't even stop long enough for me to answer. "We end up in front of the Honorable Jim Rogers, Jr., the judge with the internal combustible engine for a mind. Explodes thirty times a minute. Not quite explode - he builds up to an explosion but then at the last moment contains himself and all you hear is this faint whisper. 'I don't know what you're doing Mr. Famish.' After he'd said this for the tenth time in front of the jury I must have given him a slightly angry look - and for the first time I heard his voice come out loud and angry - 'Are you eyeballing me!!!' I was startled and continued to gaze at him. 'You better not be eyeballing me!' I responded with perfect dignity even if I say so myself - I looked at the ground and said 'I am not eyeballing your honor.' That's all I said. Lovely isn't it? I actually expected applause from the jury. But they continued to look on as they had from the start of this trial - in complete and utter boredom."

CHRISTMAS TALE 5

Arthur smiled at me. “I know exactly what you’re thinking - 'another ferkokta alibi.' Can't say I did not have the same view, which I conveyed to my client, Mr. Beltran aka Joker. That’s precisely when we got off on the wrong foot so to say. Mr. Beltran reacted quite negatively to my suggestion that his “alibi” was an alibi much in need of corroboration. Indeed, he very quickly began questioning my competency as an attorney. In his own words ‘I want a Real Lawyer!’ Ah yes there were several Marsdens*, all, unfortunately without success - I remained Joker's lawyer. Joker was not happy. He even made threats of dire physical consequences to myself if I didn’t remove myself from his case. He didn’t understand that I was unable to comply because I could not simply pass him and his most unpleasant personality on to a colleague as much as I may have liked to - simply a case of 'do not do unto others what you would not want done unto you'. When he realized we were stuck with each other he took to calling me “old man” – I believe he considered this insulting. I can’t say I especially enjoyed it, really, am I that old? I’m a relatively young 73 year old. I could be President of the United States or even an Astronaut! Don't you think?"
I agreed with Arthur even though I couldn't help but think that Arthur Famish was - kind of a throwback to another era.


*Marsden motion is a request from a defendant for the Judge to replace his current attorney (public defender or court appointed) with another attorney, based on the incompetent representation of the current attorney.

CHRISTMAS TALE 4

The Judge took the bench and the dock started to fill up with prisoners waiting to be arraigned. Arthur seemed to snap out of it. “Her name was Imelda. What she was doing with Joker who could imagine? A real nice girl. She had to nudge Joker to death before he agreed to have their little girl baptized. She threatened to take the baby to the church by herself if he wouldn’t come. Joker would never let her go outside by herself – ever. She literally could not go out without him. She said it was like being in a prison. So they went to the church. It was on Christmas Day. There was nobody there but the new priest and there was no way he was going to do the baptism but she started crying and the priest agreed to perform the ceremony if they paid the $50 in cash, no checks, no cards."
"So what's the problem? Sounds like the perfect alibi? I'm already dismissing the case."
Arthur wasn't amused. "The problem, boychik, is that Joker stood outside on the front stairs of the church so he wouldn't be deprived of his cigarettes. Joker didn't drink but he sure needed his heroin and his cigarettes. And also, according to Imelda, Joker did not like churches."
I couldn’t believe Arthur was so serious about it – like what was he going to do with that as an alibi?

CHRISTMAS TALE 3

Arthur stuffed a whole donut in his mouth as he explained his case. "The worst part of it was Joker had an alibi."
I grabbed one of Arthur’s donuts before he could get to it.
“He was at his daughter’s baptism at a Roman Catholic Church in El Sereno at the exact moment that Boxer was being gunned down.”
It hit me now was the moment for me to get out of div 30 otherwise I'd be trapped with Arthur's story. He takes his cases and his stories so personally. I quickly excuse myself to approach one of the court clerks. I ask her if the Judge might let me out of there early cause I could see that nothing was happening this Christmas Eve. She shook her head like everybody in the universe had just been asking the same question. “There’s another bus on its way from jail!” I go back to our desk by the front door. Arthur hasn’t moved.
“You took my donut” he says like he just noticed.
“I thought it was for me.”
“If you wanted one I would’ve gotten one for you. Now the snack bar’s closed.”
“Sorry.”
“You should be.”
“Okay, okay, so what about the wits for your guy's alibi?”
“Exactly – the witnesses. You’ve got to understand that Mr. Beltran’s former attorney - the one he neglected to pay, thus giving me the opportunity of representing Mr. Beltran, had already done some preliminary investigation of this alibi. Evidently the only person on earth who could remember and corroborate Joker’s story was Joker’s wife. You look at me askance – yes Joker had a wife. She insisted on showing me the marriage certificate when she came to my office. She was quite the pretty little thing.” And then Arthur kind of got lost in the haze of memory.