LAWYERING SKILL

Just today I had a hearing where I didn't say a word. It was a contempt hearing. The judge let my client go without putting him in jail. The judge said "you see Mr. Meyer the less you say the better the lawyer you are."

COURT CRED

I get cred from courtroom staff depending on the bizzareness of my clients cases.
Whenever I see the Kathie the clerk - in whatever court she is in - her face lights up and we reminisce about a trial over 15 years ago where my client's wife - County Probation Officer - testified that my client - also a County Probation Officer - wasn't at that seedy motel on Washington Bl to smoke crack cocaine with a hooker (and later beat her up over a disagreement in their contractual arrangements). The wife knew her husband wasn't at this motel with the hooker because in truth she was the one at that motel with her husband that night. She explained how they liked to go to a seedy motel on Washington Bl on special occasions. On these occasions, she, the wife, would get up on a table and dance and strip, to spice up the relationship. She stepped down from the witness stand and demonstrated the dance. Unfortunately the jury came back guilty. Which doesn't matter much now - it's all about the dance.

I'M A CRIMINAL

last night I had a dream. I did an armed robbery using my antique WWII M-1. Immediately caught I was in a police car and the cop said - "If you tell me what happened I'll give you a break. I know that this was a one time thing and you're not a criminal." In my show - IT'S CRIMINAL the comedy - I do a bit based on my experiences as a criminal defense lawyer about my clients confessing at the drop of a hat. It amazes me they listen to the cops horseshit they use about helping them out etc. In my dream, that's just what happens - the cop says to me - "if you tell me what happened I'll be able to help you out." I think what the hell - and confess. The next thing that happens is I'm in jail and I'm wondering if there is any possible way to escape and how I can case the joint out without the guards knowing that I'm thinking about escaping. And I'm scared.

EYE WITNESS

Eye witnesses are a nightmare for me cause they're so believable. Everyone believes they saw what they say they saw. Even if we read tons of stories in newspapers about some guy getting out of prison after 30 years because some DNA proved that he couldn't be the guy the eyewitness id'd. Even though we see these reports over and over - you put an eyewitness up there and he says "He's the guy!" pointing at my client and the jury is going to convict.
Recently in trial - liquor store robbery with guns and a shootout. The witness who is in the shootout says he saw everything, everything down to minute details about how my guy looked.
I ask. "How's your vision?"
Without hesitation - "Perfect."
But it looks like one of his eyes is higgly so I ask -
"Is something wrong with your right eye?"
"My right eye? Yeah, it’s a prosthetic."

MEDIA QUESTION

Why is it that whenever the cops record an interrogation they put the microphone close to the cops and you can hear them clear as a bell but the guy being worked over - usually my client - you can never hear clearly. Do they do this on purpose?

WHAT DO YOU CALL 8 JUDGES STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR

As I'm leaving the Criminal Courts for lunch a deputy sheriff with glee in his voice shouts "Did you hear there are 8 judges stuck in the elevator!" Wow.

PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS IN COURT

i'm sitting in court and hear this exchange. "Well Mr. so & so if you want to go )pro per (be your own lawyer)you'll be going up against someone who has been to college and then law school and is a tremendously experienced prosecutor. Do you think you can handle that?" "Yes your honor." "Well Mr. so & so - do you even know if the crime you are charged with committing, manslaughter is a general intent or specific intent crime?" Mr. So & So waits a long time. I'm thinking. I don't know the answer. I don't think the judge knows the answer - in fact God doesn't know the answer because nobody knows the answer. That's my position.