No, This is the new address for this blog

http://www.itscriminalthecomedy.com/blog/

THIS IS THE NEW ADDRESS FOR THIS BLOG

www.murraymeyer.com


or

www.itscriminalthecomedy.com

I'VE MOVED THIS BLOG TO www.murraymeyer.com

www.murraymeyer.com
www.itscriminalthecomedy.com

GRANDMA HUG

When I started the case the grandma of my client gave me a big bear hug cause she was so happy I was on her grandson's case and I was so much better than the prior lawyer.

In the middle of the case she's yelling at me as I leave the courtroom - basically a flow of obsenities leading up to the conclusion "you're railroading my grandson!!".

When the case ends and miraculously her grandson is getting released from custody and I'm leaving court, she's waiting for me outside the courtroom with her arms wide open -looks like another hug. I turn back and sneek out the back of the courtroom. Fuck her hugs.

IT IS WRITTEN

Remember in Lawrence of Arabia when he goes back across the desert they have just crossed to rescue his Arab buddy who fell off his camel and Omar Sharif tells Lawrence not to bother cause "IT IS WRITTEN" (that the guy is toast) and Lawrence being the kind of guy he is goes back into the desert and rescues his bud (could it have been Anthony Quayle?) and says to Omar "IT IS NOT WRITTEN, ALI, NOTHING IS WRITTEN"? Well the same thing (almost same thing) happened to me in court the other day.
My guy's in custody in court for a probation violation. According to the probation officer's report; he hadn't reported regularly; he hadn't done his CalTrans he was ordered to do and a bunch of other stuff including he'd been arrested for something else (although that was dismissed). But it was the second time he'd had a probation violation and he was surely going to get sentenced to state prison for three years because that was what he had hanging over his head when he originally was placed on probation - a "Joint Suspended" sentence (nothing to do with mutton)- that is three years state prison suspended over his head if he fucked up on probation - which he did.
The Judge says he's gonna give him the three years. But before that the guy has to be found in violation and he's entitled to a Hearing (which is usually the judge reading the probation officer's report)and then finding the guy in violation and then sentencing him. Boom, boom.
Usually in these situations the probationer will admit the violation and take the time. Everybody is trying to persuade the guy to admit the violation because otherwise there's got to be a hearing and he has no chance and he's gonna end up with the three years no matter what - which is what his previous lawyer said too - and then the DA joins in telling him to just admit the violation so he can move on cause he's getting the three years no matter what - IT IS WRITTEN.
The guy insists on the hearing. He gets his opportunity to actually talk to the judge, giving his side of things. And the judge actually listens to this guy's explanations for not doing the probation conditions. I don't know if it was the water or what but this tough guy judge liked the guy's rap and put him back on probation and he's released from custody.
Of course with Lawrence, he later in the film ends up having to personally execute his buddy that he rescued, (for killing one of Omar's men) so I guess that was written.
We shall see if this probationer comes back for another violation and gets his three years to find out definitively if IT IS TRULY WRITTEN.

girls girls girls

I'm going to write three line novels of each.

BRETHREN

Judge says something I don't understand. Heard the words but I couldn't understand what it meant. Something about procedure. She's getting impatient with me because I don't understand. The DA walks over to me and whispers in my ear. "I don't understand what she's talking about either."

NOW THESE ARE TOUGH CASES

A criminal lawyer I know cited a case to persuade a judge to try his client separately from the other defendants - of course this is done all the time but the interesting thing about the case that he used was that it was a Federal case and it was the Timothy McVeigh case. Now that's a tough row to hoe.

I'm presently reading the "Eichmann Interrogations" - his statements to the Israeli police. At first I'm thinking - wow - this guy's a great witness - he's actually got a defense - he didn't know what was going on. According to him all he did was follow orders and arrange "transportation". But then all that stuff about him visiting the death camps and even making recommendations on how to improve the killing process comes out and - well - it starts looking like not such a good case after all.


Osama hasn't come to trial yet (if he ever does) so you can't know - but I know one thing - that's going to be a tough case to try. That much I know.

Pre Need Legal Services

I’ve been thinking about ways to increase my business which is lousy. I came up with PRE-NEED LEGAL SERVICES. This is for the common citizen. Of course the Mafia and Big Business & Big Government have always had these services but what about people like me and you?
It’s like PRE-NEED burial plots.
I’m not talking about PREPAID Legal Insurance, like Medical Insurance, where you pay for legal services that you may or may not need.
No, PRE-NEED is – if you’re thinking about committing a crime - talk to a lawyer about it first.*
I could advise you (based on my daily experiences of seeing people after they're arrested in criminal courts) of what you need to worry about in order to:
1. Avoid being caught. For instance, (and this is only one example) don't brag about the crime to your friends or associates. Seems basic but you'd be surprised at the percentage of persons who can't seem to keep their mouth shut and end up shackled in court.
2. Avoid being convicted, if caught. Like, don’t take off your disguise when you rob a STORE as you get closer to the register and the camera. Again, you'd be surprised at how many robbers do.
3. Minimize your time in prison if you are caught and convicted. Right off the bat (no pun intended) you should know whatever the crime, you're a lot better off using anything but a gun. That's because there are all these wacky laws about the use of guns in crimes which increase the time you'll go away for like crazy. I'm talking the "L" word - "Life". DON’T USE A GUN - not worth it. There are other weapons available including the aforementioned "bat".
Just thinking.



*obviously they'll have to change the law & all those ethical rules about not being allowed to counsel a future crime but these are tough economic times; lawyers are losing their jobs left & right.

DISCOVERY

Attorney are always "conducting discovery". First time I heard this term I thought wow, this is deep - a secret rite.
Now I know it's just the DA giving you the police report. So much for mystery.

JULY 17TH - Performance - Save the Santa Monica Playouse

I'VE SOLVED CALIFORNIA'S BUDGET CRISIS

The solution to the whole budget thing occurred to me the other day when a judge was sentencing two of my clients - one right after the other - after they accepted the DA's "offer" of 4 years in State Prison in return for their guilty pleas. The judge while pronouncing "judgment" orders them, in addition to the state prison time to pay "restitution", "court costs", "fees", even something called a "Conviction Assessment Fee". These all were pursuant to Government Code something and Government Code something else and Penal Codes something else. Judges do this all the time routinely and it's something they're probably required to do pursuant to Government Codes something something. And it takes a long time for judges to say all of it. Probably didn't add up to more than $500.00.
I love these "fees" and "costs" and "assessments" especially when the defendant is going to prison for something like 450 years to life. Some judges actually seem to want to slam them with all this stuff like "yeah and take this too!".
I'm thinking the State Legislature should increase all these "fees", "costs" and "assessments" to really cover the costs - like for how much it actually costs California, not only for the courts but the prisons too. Assess these convicted felons the several millions it costs to house them in prison if they're 20 years old and sent to spend the next 450 years plus in custody. Not that they're any more likely to pay that any more than they pay the smaller amount usually ordered. But then California can balance the budget cause wouldn't these thing all this money owed be Assets that the State is owed? We'd be way ahead. That's the solution. Just thinking.

More Words I Can't Remember

There are certain words that come up in legal argument all the time that for some reason (missing brain cells?) I just can't bring from my brain to my lips to say when it's needed.
I'm doing a two defendant preliminary hearing and at the end of the evidence presented by the DA it's time for the defendant to make a "motion to dismiss". Lots of times it's kind of a perfunctory, "for the record" kind of thing.
This time the lawyer for the other defendant went first and argued for the case to be dismissed and actually argued very effectively. Then it was my turn. It was a robbery case and my colleague had made all the same points I would have made. I stood up - “Your honor I’d like to... " and the word I was looking for just escaped me. I wanted to say "what the guy said just now goes for me too" but didn't think that would be lawyerly. I was sweating as I stood there struggling to find the word. Finally, the judge, either because he wanted to wrap it up or took pity on me, said "join Mr. Meyer?". "Yes your honor, that's exactly what I'd like to do."

BABY'S MOMMA

Defendant on the stand testifying about his whereabouts on the day of the crime. He says I was at my "baby momma's house". Then the DA kept on using the term "baby momma's house" on question after question. After quite some time the judge, a black woman, interrupted the DA's cross-examination and in an exasperated and/or disgusted tone says to the defendant on the stand "does this person have a name?" "Yeah" the defendant said "Latoya". "Then use her name" the judge snaps.

WHO'S THE BROAD?

I'm in court almost every day of the year and above the judge in every single courtroom of California is this State Seal. I only ever notice it when the judge reads Jury Instructions to the jury. When I looked at it recently it really threw me. Who is that lady dressed up like a Roman soldier? I looked it up and see it's Minerva the Roman goddess of "Wisdom". There has got to be a punch line but it's eluding me.

BAND OF BROTHERS

Oh we brave few - that's the feeling I get trudging up to the attorney lounge at noon after the morning session in trial which is usually a losing one and seeing all the other lawyers sitting around - or even lying around; most just waiting - waiting for a witness - waiting for a judge to decide - waiting for a court to call their case - just waiting.
Sometimes there's someone in the midst of some great victory - a lesser charge allowed in - a concession by the DA - a dismissal of one of ten counts - or even a hung jury - or on the rare occasion, a "NG"* (WE WON THE WAR) of all unlikely things.
Most of them, however, are in my boat having had their heads handed to them in the morning - but keeping hope up for the afternoon when who knows there might be some small victory lying in wait; a good ruling from the judge, a cop being honest about how it actually looked, something that comes in that you can argue about in final argument. Either way the battle goes on at 1:30.
Bring it on.



*Not Guilty if you have to ask

CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE

"Circumstantial" - this is another of those words I just can't for the life of me remember all the time. Not so much remember but remember the word to say it when I'm speaking. See, I'm nervous that when it comes down to saying it - "circumstantial evidence". I can write it out easy as pie now - "circumstantial, circumstantial, circumstantial, circumstantial" (i can go on forever like this but you might think I could just be pasting it in but I am really typing it each time - cross my heart - so you see what kind of idiot i can be)
It's got me tense because I'm in a trial and supposed to be doing the final argument on Monday and it's the "circumstantial evidence" that is my guy's biggest hurdle in this case and I gotta talk about it - well - I think I should - there's a lot I could say about it - or maybe not - maybe i shouldn't talk about it much - maybe i shouldn't mention it at all - that's an alternative - that would be the solution to my problem.

SQUABBLING LAWYERS

As I was waiting in court for my case to be called, I sat there watching as three lawyers were "addressing" the court and each other. For a moment I felt like a tv viewer who happened to flip to an unfamiliar sitcom and stick around to see what it was all about. It took a minute or two to figure out that these two defense attorneys and one prosecutor were simply trying to pick the next court date for their case. There was always a problem with a particular date. "No that's not good for me - I have a conflict on that day. What about the 4th?" "Bad day for me counsel, it's my nephew's grade school graduation." And on and on. Everyone in that crowded courtroom, including the defendants in custody, the court reporter, the clerk, and the people and lawyers waiting for other cases to be called had to listen to this. Every once in a while the judge would think there was a date agreed to and eagerly say - "So that's it? It's Thursday, the 6th?" - but no that wouldn't actually do for one of the attorneys - "I'm set for trial in Compton that day and Judge Cheroske ... well you know Cheroske." There's more blither and blather back and forth. At some point it reaches some plateau where it's clear to all that some major point of existential absurdity has been reached. The judge looks down from the bench with a look like "would someone please give me the air bubble?"
Okay, I'll admit it, I too have participated in this kind of special Olympics for lawyers event of "picking a date". I had no idea I was so amazing.

REDACT

One of those words I can never remember. I always have to use it too. Because there's always something that needs "redacting" - always - your guy's statement - a crimey's statement - a witness. Hate it when my client tells me the word. I'm the goddamn lawyer I know the word - it just takes me a while to get it out.

Yeah Baby!

For some reason this Judge is giving it to this young cocky DA at a preliminary hearing. I say, giving it to him because being stupid and cocky in a DA doesn't usually get you in trouble with a Judge. But there must have been some bad shit between these two. Because she really got on his tail. She interrupts him as he questions his witness - in a voice like she was talking to a 4th grader – "Mr. So & So – look at the jury instructions before you present your case so you’ll know the elements you have to prove. I am tired of having to do your job for you." Man she was mad. And my client's boyfriend lets out a whoop from the audience. One for the oppressed yeah! He's thrown out of court. I have to say I enjoyed it too. As long as it wasn’t me. And then, of course, the Judge held my client to "answer"* and put her in jail.



*answer enough evidence to hold defendant for trial.