i couldn't do probation

What is probation? The dictionary says:
1. the act of testing.
2. the testing or trial of a person's conduct, character, qualifications, or the like.
3. the state or period of such testing or trial.
4. Law.
a. a method of dealing with offenders, esp. young persons guilty of minor crimes or first offenses, by allowing them to go at large under supervision of a probation officer.
b. the state of having been conditionally released.
5. Education. a trial period or condition of students in certain educational institutions who are being permitted to redeem failures, misconduct, etc.
6. the testing or trial of a candidate for membership in a religious body or order, for holy orders, etc.
7. Archaic. proof.

That's heavy shit. But the people who get probation don't have any idea of any of this. It's mainly - "oh I'm getting out of jail" or "oh I'm not going to jail". They give you probation and you figure it’s done. But it's a trap. Cause to the judge it's a big favor he and the system are doing you. And most people are gonna fuck up for sure. You gotta report to the probation department which can be a trial in itself. You think you know what BUREAUCRACY is - try the County Probation Department. They actually charge you a monthly fee - money - for being on probation and then when you don’t pay it - which happens an awful lot - cause - "what? They actually expect me to pay for this?" And missing an appointment with your probation officer? "What's the big fucking deal?"
The big deal is the judges take it personally when you fuck up under probation. "It's as if you slapped me right in the face. Do you know that, sir?" The big deal is you end up in state prison.
I couldn't do it.

IS LIFE HIGH SCHOOL?

Am I still in high school? Threatened by a judge with $5,000 in sanctions for not preparing a brief on time - like being late with your homework. The judge keeps me waiting in court for two hours while he decides what he's really going to do to me. (tell my parents?) And one of the lawyers on the case (a friend) tells me with a giggle he's going to hang out in court just to see what the judge is going to do with me.
That same day I get a call from an appeals lawyer representing my former client who got convicted after a jury trial last year. She wants to know why I didn't object to a question the DA asked the cop on the stand. "I don't know" She waded into me just like a teacher. "Well what was on your mind?" All I could get out was a mumbled "I don't know." If this was on film I'd be looking down at the floor.
The $5,000 in sanctions? The judge settled for making me come back next week.

THE BIRDS DO IT THE BEES DO IT EVEN CLARENCE DARROW DID IT

Sometimes I wish I was a DA. I look with envy on their lot. (well except for those in the welfare fraud division who have to prosecute poor people in wheelchairs for being a little greedy with the dole) The reason I envy DA's is that they have such an easy time of it in trials. All they gotta do is show the jury what my guy (the defendant) did and they'll usually get a conviction. It's really as easy as all that. They don't have to come up with arguments like this:
defendant is accused of threatening a witness to a crime to dissuade the witness from testifying (this is a crime in itself - PC 136).
Defendant says: "snitches die with stitches."
The argument: "This was not a threat, it was simply an observation."
Now I didn't make this pathetically strained argument. I heard another lawyer do it. He obviously had nothing else. The joke is if it came down to it I'd probably make this argument too, if I had nothing else. I know this because I've made them. Shudder. Probably some of them worked. Hallelujah!

TOUGH GIG

I'm in court and watch as a judge listens to a man's brother plead with the judge not to sentence his brother to 25 to life under the 3 strikes law. Although this was the defendant's 3rd or 4th violent crime conviction, the brother told the judge about his brother's struggles with drug addiction. His honor had tears in his eyes as he listened. And then he sentenced the defendant to the 25-life.
Later on I saw the judge in the hallway and said "that must have been tough." He looked at me a little surprised and smiled. "Easy as pie."

DECRIMINALIZE

California prisons are filled to the brim (no pun intended). Why? Because no politician, no judge has ever gotten into trouble for sending "criminals" away for the maximum time possible. BASIC LAW OF BEING A JUDGE OR POLITITICAN. THE TOUGHER YOU SAY YOU ARE ON CRIME THE BETTER YOU WILL DO IN THE POLLS.
Exceptions:
1. prostitution (we arrest them but then let them go unless we can get them on drugs or identity theft et al.)
2. stripping (we don't even arrest them just for that anymore do we?)
3. Bestiality I actually looked it up. It used to be a MAJOR crime Death & worse - just like we treat child molesters today. (check out the Bible) But guess what? Beastialitists must have had friends in high places because the "crime" has turned into a measly misdemeanor - and then only as part of cruelty to animals statutes.
4. marijuans is another, because the children of politicians and their friends use it as do the politicians.
My wife says I don't have a point of view: no I don't think we should put people in prison for prostitution, stripping, bestiality, marijuana either but we shouldn't put people in prison for as long as we do for many, many, crimes. That's my pov.

Anyways I needed an excuse to put another photo of a stripper/mug shot up because - for some reason it attracts advertisers. Who would have thought sex sells.

LAWYERING SKILL

Just today I had a hearing where I didn't say a word. It was a contempt hearing. The judge let my client go without putting him in jail. The judge said "you see Mr. Meyer the less you say the better the lawyer you are."

COURT CRED

I get cred from courtroom staff depending on the bizzareness of my clients cases.
Whenever I see the Kathie the clerk - in whatever court she is in - her face lights up and we reminisce about a trial over 15 years ago where my client's wife - County Probation Officer - testified that my client - also a County Probation Officer - wasn't at that seedy motel on Washington Bl to smoke crack cocaine with a hooker (and later beat her up over a disagreement in their contractual arrangements). The wife knew her husband wasn't at this motel with the hooker because in truth she was the one at that motel with her husband that night. She explained how they liked to go to a seedy motel on Washington Bl on special occasions. On these occasions, she, the wife, would get up on a table and dance and strip, to spice up the relationship. She stepped down from the witness stand and demonstrated the dance. Unfortunately the jury came back guilty. Which doesn't matter much now - it's all about the dance.