CHRISTMAS TALE 9

"Imelda took the stand. She was spectacular. I believed every word she said. Joker, her husband, mistreated her; Joker was a miserable human being; she hoped she'd never have to see him again; she hoped her daughter would never have to see him either. In fact, Imelda prayed every day that her husband never would be released from jail. And, then I asked her about Joker's whereabouts on Christmas Day. She reluctantly produced the baptismal certificate with the date of the murder and the baptism - Christmas Day. She said her husband indeed had been with her at the Church on at exactly the same time as the killing took place. This is what I refer to, boychik, as an excellent alibi witness. Joker kept on making comments to me during her entire testimony - 'why'd you put her up there? she's a whore. she doing favors for you old man?' I tried to explain to him that she was probably saving him from spending the rest of his life in prison but somehow he didn't seem to appreciate this.
Imelda survived cross admirably. She more than survived, she was triumphant. How can you effectively cross examine the truth? That's what I say. We argued to the jury and the jury went out to deliberate."

CHRISTMAS TALE 8

The Judge banged his gavel and simultaneously jumped off the bench. Court's done, finally. But Arthur is still going on. I'm trying to be polite, I love Arthur, but I want to get outta there. "Arthur..." I try to make him aware that we're the only ones left in the entire courtroom. Arthur doesn't get it. He keeps on telling me the story. "And then the civilian - Hector Gutierrez - I must say I made mince meat of him. He actually got huffy with me when I put it to him that that the view from his window was obstructed behind bars and trees." "Arthur I gotta go." I blurted this out. He looked at me like I had stabbed him in the abdomen. "I thought you wanted to hear the story?" "I do Arthur but they're closing the courtroom." He looked around and seemed to recognize the truth of what I had just said. He frowned with disapproval. He got up out of his chair with a major league grunt. Then his face brightened like he had come up with a solution to a major dilemma. "Okay boychick I'll finish the story on the way out." And he continued talking as I gathered up my stuff and we left the courtroom and went towards the elevators. It was a good strategy on Arthur's part because those CCB elevators can take a very long time to arrive.

CHRISTMAS TALE 7

"Actually the trial itself, once we started with the witnesses went rather well. Boxer's girlfriend, Loretta, quite the looker as we used to say (why do these gangsters attract such lovely gals? After 50 years making this observation I still have no viable theory) - you do remember Boxer, the innocent young man admirably washing his automobile on Christmas day when he was allegedly gunned down at the hands of my client? Loretta took the stand and contrary to what she had told the police before, testified that she was in fact, unable to actually see the gunman as she was still in the apartment when she heard the shots. She had only told the police that she had seen my client because that was the word on the street and she wanted someone to be held accountable for the loss of her beloved Boxer. Our prosecutor, a hard as nails blonde DA, strongly resembling what I imagine to be a Valkyrie, Ms. Ashley Armstrong, did not take this turn of events well. She accused Loretta of lying because she was afraid of gang retaliation. Loretta denied this, holding firmly to her "wanting to tell the truth." Ms. Armstrong reacted to this phrase "wanting to tell the truth" very much as I imagine she would to an obscenity. She accused poor Loretta of disloyalty not only to the truth but to her beloved departed Boxer. Now the tears flowed down Loretta's rosy cheeks. Ms. Armstrong icily terminated her questioning. I had no questions of Loretta.

CHRISTMAS TALE 6

"Okay, maybe not an Astronaut, I'm simply not going to allow myself to be confined in a box for a week or however long it takes to travel in space these days but rest assured I am capable of it if necessary. You do want to hear about the trial?" Arthur didn't even stop long enough for me to answer. "We end up in front of the Honorable Jim Rogers, Jr., the judge with the internal combustible engine for a mind. Explodes thirty times a minute. Not quite explode - he builds up to an explosion but then at the last moment contains himself and all you hear is this faint whisper. 'I don't know what you're doing Mr. Famish.' After he'd said this for the tenth time in front of the jury I must have given him a slightly angry look - and for the first time I heard his voice come out loud and angry - 'Are you eyeballing me!!!' I was startled and continued to gaze at him. 'You better not be eyeballing me!' I responded with perfect dignity even if I say so myself - I looked at the ground and said 'I am not eyeballing your honor.' That's all I said. Lovely isn't it? I actually expected applause from the jury. But they continued to look on as they had from the start of this trial - in complete and utter boredom."

CHRISTMAS TALE 5

Arthur smiled at me. “I know exactly what you’re thinking - 'another ferkokta alibi.' Can't say I did not have the same view, which I conveyed to my client, Mr. Beltran aka Joker. That’s precisely when we got off on the wrong foot so to say. Mr. Beltran reacted quite negatively to my suggestion that his “alibi” was an alibi much in need of corroboration. Indeed, he very quickly began questioning my competency as an attorney. In his own words ‘I want a Real Lawyer!’ Ah yes there were several Marsdens*, all, unfortunately without success - I remained Joker's lawyer. Joker was not happy. He even made threats of dire physical consequences to myself if I didn’t remove myself from his case. He didn’t understand that I was unable to comply because I could not simply pass him and his most unpleasant personality on to a colleague as much as I may have liked to - simply a case of 'do not do unto others what you would not want done unto you'. When he realized we were stuck with each other he took to calling me “old man” – I believe he considered this insulting. I can’t say I especially enjoyed it, really, am I that old? I’m a relatively young 73 year old. I could be President of the United States or even an Astronaut! Don't you think?"
I agreed with Arthur even though I couldn't help but think that Arthur Famish was - kind of a throwback to another era.


*Marsden motion is a request from a defendant for the Judge to replace his current attorney (public defender or court appointed) with another attorney, based on the incompetent representation of the current attorney.

CHRISTMAS TALE 4

The Judge took the bench and the dock started to fill up with prisoners waiting to be arraigned. Arthur seemed to snap out of it. “Her name was Imelda. What she was doing with Joker who could imagine? A real nice girl. She had to nudge Joker to death before he agreed to have their little girl baptized. She threatened to take the baby to the church by herself if he wouldn’t come. Joker would never let her go outside by herself – ever. She literally could not go out without him. She said it was like being in a prison. So they went to the church. It was on Christmas Day. There was nobody there but the new priest and there was no way he was going to do the baptism but she started crying and the priest agreed to perform the ceremony if they paid the $50 in cash, no checks, no cards."
"So what's the problem? Sounds like the perfect alibi? I'm already dismissing the case."
Arthur wasn't amused. "The problem, boychik, is that Joker stood outside on the front stairs of the church so he wouldn't be deprived of his cigarettes. Joker didn't drink but he sure needed his heroin and his cigarettes. And also, according to Imelda, Joker did not like churches."
I couldn’t believe Arthur was so serious about it – like what was he going to do with that as an alibi?

CHRISTMAS TALE 3

Arthur stuffed a whole donut in his mouth as he explained his case. "The worst part of it was Joker had an alibi."
I grabbed one of Arthur’s donuts before he could get to it.
“He was at his daughter’s baptism at a Roman Catholic Church in El Sereno at the exact moment that Boxer was being gunned down.”
It hit me now was the moment for me to get out of div 30 otherwise I'd be trapped with Arthur's story. He takes his cases and his stories so personally. I quickly excuse myself to approach one of the court clerks. I ask her if the Judge might let me out of there early cause I could see that nothing was happening this Christmas Eve. She shook her head like everybody in the universe had just been asking the same question. “There’s another bus on its way from jail!” I go back to our desk by the front door. Arthur hasn’t moved.
“You took my donut” he says like he just noticed.
“I thought it was for me.”
“If you wanted one I would’ve gotten one for you. Now the snack bar’s closed.”
“Sorry.”
“You should be.”
“Okay, okay, so what about the wits for your guy's alibi?”
“Exactly – the witnesses. You’ve got to understand that Mr. Beltran’s former attorney - the one he neglected to pay, thus giving me the opportunity of representing Mr. Beltran, had already done some preliminary investigation of this alibi. Evidently the only person on earth who could remember and corroborate Joker’s story was Joker’s wife. You look at me askance – yes Joker had a wife. She insisted on showing me the marriage certificate when she came to my office. She was quite the pretty little thing.” And then Arthur kind of got lost in the haze of memory.