CHRISTMAS TALE 7

"Actually the trial itself, once we started with the witnesses went rather well. Boxer's girlfriend, Loretta, quite the looker as we used to say (why do these gangsters attract such lovely gals? After 50 years making this observation I still have no viable theory) - you do remember Boxer, the innocent young man admirably washing his automobile on Christmas day when he was allegedly gunned down at the hands of my client? Loretta took the stand and contrary to what she had told the police before, testified that she was in fact, unable to actually see the gunman as she was still in the apartment when she heard the shots. She had only told the police that she had seen my client because that was the word on the street and she wanted someone to be held accountable for the loss of her beloved Boxer. Our prosecutor, a hard as nails blonde DA, strongly resembling what I imagine to be a Valkyrie, Ms. Ashley Armstrong, did not take this turn of events well. She accused Loretta of lying because she was afraid of gang retaliation. Loretta denied this, holding firmly to her "wanting to tell the truth." Ms. Armstrong reacted to this phrase "wanting to tell the truth" very much as I imagine she would to an obscenity. She accused poor Loretta of disloyalty not only to the truth but to her beloved departed Boxer. Now the tears flowed down Loretta's rosy cheeks. Ms. Armstrong icily terminated her questioning. I had no questions of Loretta.

CHRISTMAS TALE 6

"Okay, maybe not an Astronaut, I'm simply not going to allow myself to be confined in a box for a week or however long it takes to travel in space these days but rest assured I am capable of it if necessary. You do want to hear about the trial?" Arthur didn't even stop long enough for me to answer. "We end up in front of the Honorable Jim Rogers, Jr., the judge with the internal combustible engine for a mind. Explodes thirty times a minute. Not quite explode - he builds up to an explosion but then at the last moment contains himself and all you hear is this faint whisper. 'I don't know what you're doing Mr. Famish.' After he'd said this for the tenth time in front of the jury I must have given him a slightly angry look - and for the first time I heard his voice come out loud and angry - 'Are you eyeballing me!!!' I was startled and continued to gaze at him. 'You better not be eyeballing me!' I responded with perfect dignity even if I say so myself - I looked at the ground and said 'I am not eyeballing your honor.' That's all I said. Lovely isn't it? I actually expected applause from the jury. But they continued to look on as they had from the start of this trial - in complete and utter boredom."

CHRISTMAS TALE 5

Arthur smiled at me. “I know exactly what you’re thinking - 'another ferkokta alibi.' Can't say I did not have the same view, which I conveyed to my client, Mr. Beltran aka Joker. That’s precisely when we got off on the wrong foot so to say. Mr. Beltran reacted quite negatively to my suggestion that his “alibi” was an alibi much in need of corroboration. Indeed, he very quickly began questioning my competency as an attorney. In his own words ‘I want a Real Lawyer!’ Ah yes there were several Marsdens*, all, unfortunately without success - I remained Joker's lawyer. Joker was not happy. He even made threats of dire physical consequences to myself if I didn’t remove myself from his case. He didn’t understand that I was unable to comply because I could not simply pass him and his most unpleasant personality on to a colleague as much as I may have liked to - simply a case of 'do not do unto others what you would not want done unto you'. When he realized we were stuck with each other he took to calling me “old man” – I believe he considered this insulting. I can’t say I especially enjoyed it, really, am I that old? I’m a relatively young 73 year old. I could be President of the United States or even an Astronaut! Don't you think?"
I agreed with Arthur even though I couldn't help but think that Arthur Famish was - kind of a throwback to another era.


*Marsden motion is a request from a defendant for the Judge to replace his current attorney (public defender or court appointed) with another attorney, based on the incompetent representation of the current attorney.

CHRISTMAS TALE 4

The Judge took the bench and the dock started to fill up with prisoners waiting to be arraigned. Arthur seemed to snap out of it. “Her name was Imelda. What she was doing with Joker who could imagine? A real nice girl. She had to nudge Joker to death before he agreed to have their little girl baptized. She threatened to take the baby to the church by herself if he wouldn’t come. Joker would never let her go outside by herself – ever. She literally could not go out without him. She said it was like being in a prison. So they went to the church. It was on Christmas Day. There was nobody there but the new priest and there was no way he was going to do the baptism but she started crying and the priest agreed to perform the ceremony if they paid the $50 in cash, no checks, no cards."
"So what's the problem? Sounds like the perfect alibi? I'm already dismissing the case."
Arthur wasn't amused. "The problem, boychik, is that Joker stood outside on the front stairs of the church so he wouldn't be deprived of his cigarettes. Joker didn't drink but he sure needed his heroin and his cigarettes. And also, according to Imelda, Joker did not like churches."
I couldn’t believe Arthur was so serious about it – like what was he going to do with that as an alibi?

CHRISTMAS TALE 3

Arthur stuffed a whole donut in his mouth as he explained his case. "The worst part of it was Joker had an alibi."
I grabbed one of Arthur’s donuts before he could get to it.
“He was at his daughter’s baptism at a Roman Catholic Church in El Sereno at the exact moment that Boxer was being gunned down.”
It hit me now was the moment for me to get out of div 30 otherwise I'd be trapped with Arthur's story. He takes his cases and his stories so personally. I quickly excuse myself to approach one of the court clerks. I ask her if the Judge might let me out of there early cause I could see that nothing was happening this Christmas Eve. She shook her head like everybody in the universe had just been asking the same question. “There’s another bus on its way from jail!” I go back to our desk by the front door. Arthur hasn’t moved.
“You took my donut” he says like he just noticed.
“I thought it was for me.”
“If you wanted one I would’ve gotten one for you. Now the snack bar’s closed.”
“Sorry.”
“You should be.”
“Okay, okay, so what about the wits for your guy's alibi?”
“Exactly – the witnesses. You’ve got to understand that Mr. Beltran’s former attorney - the one he neglected to pay, thus giving me the opportunity of representing Mr. Beltran, had already done some preliminary investigation of this alibi. Evidently the only person on earth who could remember and corroborate Joker’s story was Joker’s wife. You look at me askance – yes Joker had a wife. She insisted on showing me the marriage certificate when she came to my office. She was quite the pretty little thing.” And then Arthur kind of got lost in the haze of memory.

CHRISTMAS TALE 2

I had to admit – two girls on the floor of a Taco Bell in East LA trying to kill each other on Christmas Eve?  Arthur knew he had me.

“The young gentlemen accompanying them simply stood around watching the girls fight. When it started getting bloody and it looked like the cops were coming the fellows pulled the girls apart and left.  One of the girls and some of the fellows ended up at a Christmas Even party at the girl's house.  It was at this party hours later in the early morning of Christmas day that two sweet lads with 9mm guns showed up and started shooting at the people standing outside the house. Two members in good standing of the Stanley Park gang were killed. Since the other girl at the Taco Bell brawl was "associated” with the Tatlow gang it was assumed that it was Tatlow that did the deed. Although these are two different gangs, Stanley Park and Tatlow, these people all grew up together in the same neighborhood, went to the same schools, they even intermarried even though some were Stanley Park and some Tatlow.  Just like the Cabots and the Lodges.”

It’s beginning to dawn on me that this is going to be a long and complicated story so I ask Arthur where he comes in.

“Boychik I’m getting there. My guy isn’t even involved yet. It’s the retaliation homicide that gets me into this.  That very afternoon on Christmas day it takes place,  can you imagine,  Christmas yet? You know I'm in desperate need for a donut – give me a couple of bucks I don’t seem to have any change on me.”

Arthur is famous for being broke – very broke – as in having the IRS hounding him – due to his apparent longstanding problem with gambling and losing, on the horses. I give him a five dollar bill and off he goes to the snack bar. When he comes back with two donuts and a coffee he settles down and continues.

“A young man by the name of Boxer, a member in good standing of the Tatlow outfit, is gunned down that very afternoon while washing his car in front of his apartment. Not only gunned down but kicked and spat upon by his assailants and I might as well tell you now that I happened to be the lucky attorney to be appointed to represent one of these alleged assailants, allegedly a member of the Stanley Park gang. My client, Angel Beltran, aka Joker, had been identified, through photographs, by the girlfriend of said victim, Boxer. This girlfriend claimed to have seen the entire incident.. My client, Joker, was also identified through photographs, as well, by a Hector Guttierrez, a security guard by trade, who observed the crime from his window.”

I tell Arthur that it looks bad - that's all he was waiting for.

"Looks bad?  It was hopeless.  And on top of that my client was an extremely unpleasant young man with the Mark of Cain on his brow.  I might add he also had several tattoos on the same brow.   Looks bad?   I should say so." 

A CHRISTMAS TALE

I’m sitting in div 30 at the CCB doing my duty the other afternoon.  Extremely slow being just before Christmas (because people are more circumspect about committing crimes or the cops aren’t making the arrests or the DA’s aren’t filing – don’t know) but I’m so bored – looking at my phone waiting for it to ring – then Arthur Famish appears.  Arthur (he’s a guy you never call Artie or Art by the way) is what I call an old timer. A criminal lawyer for over 50 years.  Everybody knows Arthur.  A big man who wears a ratty old vest with a ratty old suit that’s several sizes too small and holes in his pants like they were designer jeans.  Arthur knows the law like nobody I know.  He knows everything.  And Arthur always has a story. “I ever tell you about my Christmas homicide?” 

I don’t know if I want to listen to a long story.  He insists – “this is a real Christmas tale I’m telling you.”  He pulls his chair up close to me.  I remind him that neither one of us celebrates Christmas.  “What are you so busy?  Don’t be such a kvetch – you’ll love this. The police report starts out with this really nasty fight between two Latina girls – they’re trying to kill each other – they’re on the floor they’re biting, kicking, punching, pulling hair.  It’s brutal.  On Christmas Eve can you imagine?  At some Taco Bell in East LA.  Now isn’t that a great start to a Christmas tale?"