IT'S CRIMINAL! the comedy (getting people off & other legal fantasies)

No, This is the new address for this blog

2009-09-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

http://www.itscriminalthecomedy.com/blog/

THIS IS THE NEW ADDRESS FOR THIS BLOG

2009-08-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

www.murraymeyer.com

or

www.itscriminalthecomedy.com

I'VE MOVED THIS BLOG TO www.murraymeyer.com

2009-08-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

www.murraymeyer.com
www.itscriminalthecomedy.com

GRANDMA HUG

2009-08-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

When I started the case the grandma of my client gave me a big bear hug cause she was so happy I was on her grandson's case and I was so much better than the prior lawyer.

In the middle of the case she's yelling at me as I leave the courtroom - basically a flow of obsenities leading up to the conclusion "you're railroading my grandson!!".

When the case ends and miraculously her grandson is getting released from custody and I'm leaving court, she's waiting for me outside the courtroom with her arms wide open -looks like another hug. I turn back and sneek out the back of the courtroom. Fuck her hugs.

IT IS WRITTEN

2009-08-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

Remember in Lawrence of Arabia when he goes back across the desert they have just crossed to rescue his Arab buddy who fell off his camel and Omar Sharif tells Lawrence not to bother cause "IT IS WRITTEN" (that the guy is toast) and Lawrence being the kind of guy he is goes back into the desert and rescues his bud (could it have been Anthony Quayle?) and says to Omar "IT IS NOT WRITTEN, ALI, NOTHING IS WRITTEN"? Well the same thing (almost same thing) happened to me in court the other day.
My guy's in custody in court for a probation violation. According to the probation officer's report; he hadn't reported regularly; he hadn't done his CalTrans he was ordered to do and a bunch of other stuff including he'd been arrested for something else (although that was dismissed). But it was the second time he'd had a probation violation and he was surely going to get sentenced to state prison for three years because that was what he had hanging over his head when he originally was placed on probation - a "Joint Suspended" sentence (nothing to do with mutton)- that is three years state prison suspended over his head if he fucked up on probation - which he did.
The Judge says he's gonna give him the three years. But before that the guy has to be found in violation and he's entitled to a Hearing (which is usually the judge reading the probation officer's report)and then finding the guy in violation and then sentencing him. Boom, boom.
Usually in these situations the probationer will admit the violation and take the time. Everybody is trying to persuade the guy to admit the violation because otherwise there's got to be a hearing and he has no chance and he's gonna end up with the three years no matter what - which is what his previous lawyer said too - and then the DA joins in telling him to just admit the violation so he can move on cause he's getting the three years no matter what - IT IS WRITTEN.
The guy insists on the hearing. He gets his opportunity to actually talk to the judge, giving his side of things. And the judge actually listens to this guy's explanations for not doing the probation conditions. I don't know if it was the water or what but this tough guy judge liked the guy's rap and put him back on probation and he's released from custody.
Of course with Lawrence, he later in the film ends up having to personally execute his buddy that he rescued, (for killing one of Omar's men) so I guess that was written.
We shall see if this probationer comes back for another violation and gets his three years to find out definitively if IT IS TRULY WRITTEN.

girls girls girls

2009-08-07T16:18:00.000-07:00

I'm going to write three line novels of each.

BRETHREN

2009-08-07T11:42:00.000-07:00

Judge says something I don't understand. Heard the words but I couldn't understand what it meant. Something about procedure. She's getting impatient with me because I don't understand. The DA walks over to me and whispers in my ear. "I don't understand what she's talking about either."

NOW THESE ARE TOUGH CASES

2009-07-31T11:08:00.001-07:00

A criminal lawyer I know cited a case to persuade a judge to try his client separately from the other defendants - of course this is done all the time but the interesting thing about the case that he used was that it was a Federal case and it was the Timothy McVeigh case. Now that's a tough row to hoe.

I'm presently reading the "Eichmann Interrogations" - his statements to the Israeli police. At first I'm thinking - wow - this guy's a great witness - he's actually got a defense - he didn't know what was going on. According to him all he did was follow orders and arrange "transportation". But then all that stuff about him visiting the death camps and even making recommendations on how to improve the killing process comes out and - well - it starts looking like not such a good case after all.

Osama hasn't come to trial yet (if he ever does) so you can't know - but I know one thing - that's going to be a tough case to try. That much I know.

Pre Need Legal Services

2009-07-18T14:36:00.001-07:00

I’ve been thinking about ways to increase my business which is lousy. I came up with PRE-NEED LEGAL SERVICES. This is for the common citizen. Of course the Mafia and Big Business & Big Government have always had these services but what about people like me and you?
It’s like PRE-NEED burial plots.
I’m not talking about PREPAID Legal Insurance, like Medical Insurance, where you pay for legal services that you may or may not need.
No, PRE-NEED is – if you’re thinking about committing a crime - talk to a lawyer about it first.*
I could advise you (based on my daily experiences of seeing people after they're arrested in criminal courts) of what you need to worry about in order to:
1. Avoid being caught. For instance, (and this is only one example) don't brag about the crime to your friends or associates. Seems basic but you'd be surprised at the percentage of persons who can't seem to keep their mouth shut and end up shackled in court.
2. Avoid being convicted, if caught. Like, don’t take off your disguise when you rob a STORE as you get closer to the register and the camera. Again, you'd be surprised at how many robbers do.
3. Minimize your time in prison if you are caught and convicted. Right off the bat (no pun intended) you should know whatever the crime, you're a lot better off using anything but a gun. That's because there are all these wacky laws about the use of guns in crimes which increase the time you'll go away for like crazy. I'm talking the "L" word - "Life". DON’T USE A GUN - not worth it. There are other weapons available including the aforementioned "bat".
Just thinking.

*obviously they'll have to change the law & all those ethical rules about not being allowed to counsel a future crime but these are tough economic times; lawyers are losing their jobs left & right.

DISCOVERY

2009-07-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

Attorney are always "conducting discovery". First time I heard this term I thought wow, this is deep - a secret rite.
Now I know it's just the DA giving you the police report. So much for mystery.

JULY 17TH - Performance - Save the Santa Monica Playouse

2009-07-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

I'VE SOLVED CALIFORNIA'S BUDGET CRISIS

2009-07-03T18:38:00.000-07:00

The solution to the whole budget thing occurred to me the other day when a judge was sentencing two of my clients - one right after the other - after they accepted the DA's "offer" of 4 years in State Prison in return for their guilty pleas. The judge while pronouncing "judgment" orders them, in addition to the state prison time to pay "restitution", "court costs", "fees", even something called a "Conviction Assessment Fee". These all were pursuant to Government Code something and Government Code something else and Penal Codes something else. Judges do this all the time routinely and it's something they're probably required to do pursuant to Government Codes something something. And it takes a long time for judges to say all of it. Probably didn't add up to more than $500.00.
I love these "fees" and "costs" and "assessments" especially when the defendant is going to prison for something like 450 years to life. Some judges actually seem to want to slam them with all this stuff like "yeah and take this too!".
I'm thinking the State Legislature should increase all these "fees", "costs" and "assessments" to really cover the costs - like for how much it actually costs California, not only for the courts but the prisons too. Assess these convicted felons the several millions it costs to house them in prison if they're 20 years old and sent to spend the next 450 years plus in custody. Not that they're any more likely to pay that any more than they pay the smaller amount usually ordered. But then California can balance the budget cause wouldn't these thing all this money owed be Assets that the State is owed? We'd be way ahead. That's the solution. Just thinking.

More Words I Can't Remember

2009-06-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

There are certain words that come up in legal argument all the time that for some reason (missing brain cells?) I just can't bring from my brain to my lips to say when it's needed.
I'm doing a two defendant preliminary hearing and at the end of the evidence presented by the DA it's time for the defendant to make a "motion to dismiss". Lots of times it's kind of a perfunctory, "for the record" kind of thing.
This time the lawyer for the other defendant went first and argued for the case to be dismissed and actually argued very effectively. Then it was my turn. It was a robbery case and my colleague had made all the same points I would have made. I stood up - “Your honor I’d like to... " and the word I was looking for just escaped me. I wanted to say "what the guy said just now goes for me too" but didn't think that would be lawyerly. I was sweating as I stood there struggling to find the word. Finally, the judge, either because he wanted to wrap it up or took pity on me, said "join Mr. Meyer?". "Yes your honor, that's exactly what I'd like to do."

BABY'S MOMMA

2009-06-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

Defendant on the stand testifying about his whereabouts on the day of the crime. He says I was at my "baby momma's house". Then the DA kept on using the term "baby momma's house" on question after question. After quite some time the judge, a black woman, interrupted the DA's cross-examination and in an exasperated and/or disgusted tone says to the defendant on the stand "does this person have a name?" "Yeah" the defendant said "Latoya". "Then use her name" the judge snaps.

WHO'S THE BROAD?

2009-06-13T00:43:00.000-07:00

I'm in court almost every day of the year and above the judge in every single courtroom of California is this State Seal. I only ever notice it when the judge reads Jury Instructions to the jury. When I looked at it recently it really threw me. Who is that lady dressed up like a Roman soldier? I looked it up and see it's Minerva the Roman goddess of "Wisdom". There has got to be a punch line but it's eluding me.

BAND OF BROTHERS

2009-06-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

Oh we brave few - that's the feeling I get trudging up to the attorney lounge at noon after the morning session in trial which is usually a losing one and seeing all the other lawyers sitting around - or even lying around; most just waiting - waiting for a witness - waiting for a judge to decide - waiting for a court to call their case - just waiting.
Sometimes there's someone in the midst of some great victory - a lesser charge allowed in - a concession by the DA - a dismissal of one of ten counts - or even a hung jury - or on the rare occasion, a "NG"* (WE WON THE WAR) of all unlikely things.
Most of them, however, are in my boat having had their heads handed to them in the morning - but keeping hope up for the afternoon when who knows there might be some small victory lying in wait; a good ruling from the judge, a cop being honest about how it actually looked, something that comes in that you can argue about in final argument. Either way the battle goes on at 1:30.
Bring it on.

*Not Guilty if you have to ask

CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE

2009-06-06T10:15:00.001-07:00

"Circumstantial" - this is another of those words I just can't for the life of me remember all the time. Not so much remember but remember the word to say it when I'm speaking. See, I'm nervous that when it comes down to saying it - "circumstantial evidence". I can write it out easy as pie now - "circumstantial, circumstantial, circumstantial, circumstantial" (i can go on forever like this but you might think I could just be pasting it in but I am really typing it each time - cross my heart - so you see what kind of idiot i can be)
It's got me tense because I'm in a trial and supposed to be doing the final argument on Monday and it's the "circumstantial evidence" that is my guy's biggest hurdle in this case and I gotta talk about it - well - I think I should - there's a lot I could say about it - or maybe not - maybe i shouldn't talk about it much - maybe i shouldn't mention it at all - that's an alternative - that would be the solution to my problem.

SQUABBLING LAWYERS

2009-05-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

As I was waiting in court for my case to be called, I sat there watching as three lawyers were "addressing" the court and each other. For a moment I felt like a tv viewer who happened to flip to an unfamiliar sitcom and stick around to see what it was all about. It took a minute or two to figure out that these two defense attorneys and one prosecutor were simply trying to pick the next court date for their case. There was always a problem with a particular date. "No that's not good for me - I have a conflict on that day. What about the 4th?" "Bad day for me counsel, it's my nephew's grade school graduation." And on and on. Everyone in that crowded courtroom, including the defendants in custody, the court reporter, the clerk, and the people and lawyers waiting for other cases to be called had to listen to this. Every once in a while the judge would think there was a date agreed to and eagerly say - "So that's it? It's Thursday, the 6th?" - but no that wouldn't actually do for one of the attorneys - "I'm set for trial in Compton that day and Judge Cheroske ... well you know Cheroske." There's more blither and blather back and forth. At some point it reaches some plateau where it's clear to all that some major point of existential absurdity has been reached. The judge looks down from the bench with a look like "would someone please give me the air bubble?"
Okay, I'll admit it, I too have participated in this kind of special Olympics for lawyers event of "picking a date". I had no idea I was so amazing.

REDACT

2009-05-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

One of those words I can never remember. I always have to use it too. Because there's always something that needs "redacting" - always - your guy's statement - a crimey's statement - a witness. Hate it when my client tells me the word. I'm the goddamn lawyer I know the word - it just takes me a while to get it out.

Yeah Baby!

2009-05-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

For some reason this Judge is giving it to this young cocky DA at a preliminary hearing. I say, giving it to him because being stupid and cocky in a DA doesn't usually get you in trouble with a Judge. But there must have been some bad shit between these two. Because she really got on his tail. She interrupts him as he questions his witness - in a voice like she was talking to a 4th grader – "Mr. So & So – look at the jury instructions before you present your case so you’ll know the elements you have to prove. I am tired of having to do your job for you." Man she was mad. And my client's boyfriend lets out a whoop from the audience. One for the oppressed yeah! He's thrown out of court. I have to say I enjoyed it too. As long as it wasn’t me. And then, of course, the Judge held my client to "answer"* and put her in jail.

*answer enough evidence to hold defendant for trial.

THE TRUTH

2009-05-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

Somebody asked me if I ever asked my clients to tell me "the Truth". "The Truth"? Why would I do that? Why would I want to hear something that could burden the both of us? I never do. I tell them what they’re being charged with. I tell them what the cops say. And then it’s their turn. If they want to tell me “the Truth” then, o.k., what am I gonna do? Sometimes I believe their story and sometimes I don’t, but I know one thing. I never ever "know" for sure if it’s really "the Truth". Besides, it’s the DA that’s supposed to be "seeking" "the Truth". Honestly. That's how it's supposed to work. I defend my clients legal rights and the DA seeks "the Truth". Somewhere it's written in the DA rules or laws or canons, whatever, that they are supposed to do that. I’m sure there are those DA’s who take that very seriously. But I don’t think all of them do. I think they are human and they want to win. And that usually means that they "believe" my guy is guilty.
Lots of time my clients never even attempt to tell me "the Truth" which I appreciate. Then I can concentrate one hundred percent on doing whatever I can to do my job.
Believing your client's story is usually a big risk because that might not be enough to get him acquitted. For instance, kidnapping someone and demanding $50,000 to release them because the person "fucked my wife" is not actually a full defense, although it may be the truth. Sometimes the truth isn’t good enough for the job at hand which is staying out of jail.

JUDGES MISHEGAS

2009-05-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

there's the judge that is always kvetching from the bench (how this friend owes him money and won't pay him; how a contractor screwed him; how you can't trust people anymore - this is during jury selection).
then there are the jurists who:
go crazy when you walk into the "well"*;
go crazy when you "approach a witness" without asking "may I approach the witness?";
go crazy when you ask "may I approach the witness?" and yell at you for asking;
go crazy when you call them "judge" instead of "Your Honor";
go crazy when you wear a sweater that obscures your tie and they think you're trying to pull a fast one and not wear a tie in court;
go crazy when you don't stand up when you address** "the court".

*area in front of the judge's bench - where His Excellency sits
**you never talk to a judge - you always "address the court"

TWIN TOWERS OPERATION

2009-05-10T17:44:00.000-07:00

I am at Twin Towers jail waiting for my guy. Through the glass of the visiting area I see, all of a sudden, 20 deputies with helmets & shotguns & protective gear appear in the open area outside the cellblocks. And then they swoop down on the cells. I don't know what's going on. I buzz the help buzzer in the wall. A voice comes on and announces that there's going to be a delay in my client coming since there was a search being conducted. And then the voice cuts off. I'm watching the deputies running this way and that way. I'm thinking I'm the only one in the outside world watching this (there's nobody around because there's only visits for attorneys this day). And I start having a little paranoid moment. Am I supposed to be seeing this? What if I'm not? What if I was watching something they didn't want me to see? They could see me watching them. And they were pumped. I started looking away - like I wasn't watching. That felt stupid.
When they finished they all gathered in the open area outside the cells. They were lined up in formation listening to someone give them a speech. Was this a show and tell? "so & so found a shank in cellblock 3." Was it a Victory oration? "Today we made history." I couldn't hear anything because of the thick glass. I did notice how happy and excited they all looked - like they were about to break out into song.

"We are Deputy Sheriffs and we found a couple of shanks
- we're the Deputy Sheriffs & we don't expect no thanks."

I asked my client about it - he said this was a "mellow" place.

CABBIE

2009-05-06T16:29:00.000-07:00

Being a lawyer is similar in one respect, at least, to being a cab driver. You got to hustle for fares.
When I drove cab I used to sit in the cab in the middle of the night with my finger on the two way motorola radio listening intently for the dispatcher to announce an open trip and then pounce on the button like a Jeopardy contestant. All so I'd respond before my fellow cabdrivers. You wouldn't know where the fare was at. You wouldn't know where they were going. You wouldn't know if it was a short or long trip. You wouldn't know if they were good tippers. And you wouldn't even know if they had the money to pay you. You just knew you had to get the fare.

YOU JAMMIN' ME?

2009-05-03T15:01:00.000-07:00

"What are you jammin* me for?" DA says to me.
My client had refused to waive time**.
"I'm not jammin you." I tell him. "My client wants to have his trial already." (I'd like to add but I don't "he doesn't know anything aobut your plans to go scuba diving off the reefs in Hawaii next week, asshole - he's in jail - he's not thinking about screwing your trip up but if he knew I'm sure he would love to do just that."
What's wrong with some DA's thinking is they think we're on the same team - when we're only in the same league - on different teams. (unfortunately alot of my clients think the same way - "You're in bed with the DA!")

*jammin" the act of not agreeing to a continuance for your colleague's convenience [colleague can be co-defense counsel or DA] "jamming" is considered very non collegial - very like "civil" lawyers)
**"waiving time" means the defendant says it's okay with him to postpone the trial

i couldn't do probation

2009-05-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

What is probation? The dictionary says:
1. the act of testing.
2. the testing or trial of a person's conduct, character, qualifications, or the like.
3. the state or period of such testing or trial.
4. Law.
a. a method of dealing with offenders, esp. young persons guilty of minor crimes or first offenses, by allowing them to go at large under supervision of a probation officer.
b. the state of having been conditionally released.
5. Education. a trial period or condition of students in certain educational institutions who are being permitted to redeem failures, misconduct, etc.
6. the testing or trial of a candidate for membership in a religious body or order, for holy orders, etc.
7. Archaic. proof.

That's heavy shit. But the people who get probation don't have any idea of any of this. It's mainly - "oh I'm getting out of jail" or "oh I'm not going to jail". They give you probation and you figure it’s done. But it's a trap. Cause to the judge it's a big favor he and the system are doing you. And most people are gonna fuck up for sure. You gotta report to the probation department which can be a trial in itself. You think you know what BUREAUCRACY is - try the County Probation Department. They actually charge you a monthly fee - money - for being on probation and then when you don’t pay it - which happens an awful lot - cause - "what? They actually expect me to pay for this?" And missing an appointment with your probation officer? "What's the big fucking deal?"
The big deal is the judges take it personally when you fuck up under probation. "It's as if you slapped me right in the face. Do you know that, sir?" The big deal is you end up in state prison.
I couldn't do it.

IS LIFE HIGH SCHOOL?

2009-04-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

Am I still in high school? Threatened by a judge with $5,000 in sanctions for not preparing a brief on time - like being late with your homework. The judge keeps me waiting in court for two hours while he decides what he's really going to do to me. (tell my parents?) And one of the lawyers on the case (a friend) tells me with a giggle he's going to hang out in court just to see what the judge is going to do with me.
That same day I get a call from an appeals lawyer representing my former client who got convicted after a jury trial last year. She wants to know why I didn't object to a question the DA asked the cop on the stand. "I don't know" She waded into me just like a teacher. "Well what was on your mind?" All I could get out was a mumbled "I don't know." If this was on film I'd be looking down at the floor.
The $5,000 in sanctions? The judge settled for making me come back next week.

THE BIRDS DO IT THE BEES DO IT EVEN CLARENCE DARROW DID IT

2009-04-23T11:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I was a DA. I look with envy on their lot. (well except for those in the welfare fraud division who have to prosecute poor people in wheelchairs for being a little greedy with the dole) The reason I envy DA's is that they have such an easy time of it in trials. All they gotta do is show the jury what my guy (the defendant) did and they'll usually get a conviction. It's really as easy as all that. They don't have to come up with arguments like this:
defendant is accused of threatening a witness to a crime to dissuade the witness from testifying (this is a crime in itself - PC 136).
Defendant says: "snitches die with stitches."
The argument: "This was not a threat, it was simply an observation."
Now I didn't make this pathetically strained argument. I heard another lawyer do it. He obviously had nothing else. The joke is if it came down to it I'd probably make this argument too, if I had nothing else. I know this because I've made them. Shudder. Probably some of them worked. Hallelujah!

TOUGH GIG

2009-04-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

I'm in court and watch as a judge listens to a man's brother plead with the judge not to sentence his brother to 25 to life under the 3 strikes law. Although this was the defendant's 3rd or 4th violent crime conviction, the brother told the judge about his brother's struggles with drug addiction. His honor had tears in his eyes as he listened. And then he sentenced the defendant to the 25-life.
Later on I saw the judge in the hallway and said "that must have been tough." He looked at me a little surprised and smiled. "Easy as pie."

DECRIMINALIZE

2009-04-16T12:48:00.001-07:00

California prisons are filled to the brim (no pun intended). Why? Because no politician, no judge has ever gotten into trouble for sending "criminals" away for the maximum time possible. BASIC LAW OF BEING A JUDGE OR POLITITICAN. THE TOUGHER YOU SAY YOU ARE ON CRIME THE BETTER YOU WILL DO IN THE POLLS.
Exceptions:
1. prostitution (we arrest them but then let them go unless we can get them on drugs or identity theft et al.)
2. stripping (we don't even arrest them just for that anymore do we?)
3. Bestiality I actually looked it up. It used to be a MAJOR crime Death & worse - just like we treat child molesters today. (check out the Bible) But guess what? Beastialitists must have had friends in high places because the "crime" has turned into a measly misdemeanor - and then only as part of cruelty to animals statutes.
4. marijuans is another, because the children of politicians and their friends use it as do the politicians.
My wife says I don't have a point of view: no I don't think we should put people in prison for prostitution, stripping, bestiality, marijuana either but we shouldn't put people in prison for as long as we do for many, many, crimes. That's my pov.

Anyways I needed an excuse to put another photo of a stripper/mug shot up because - for some reason it attracts advertisers. Who would have thought sex sells.

LAWYERING SKILL

2009-04-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

Just today I had a hearing where I didn't say a word. It was a contempt hearing. The judge let my client go without putting him in jail. The judge said "you see Mr. Meyer the less you say the better the lawyer you are."

COURT CRED

2009-04-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

I get cred from courtroom staff depending on the bizzareness of my clients cases.
Whenever I see the Kathie the clerk - in whatever court she is in - her face lights up and we reminisce about a trial over 15 years ago where my client's wife - County Probation Officer - testified that my client - also a County Probation Officer - wasn't at that seedy motel on Washington Bl to smoke crack cocaine with a hooker (and later beat her up over a disagreement in their contractual arrangements). The wife knew her husband wasn't at this motel with the hooker because in truth she was the one at that motel with her husband that night. She explained how they liked to go to a seedy motel on Washington Bl on special occasions. On these occasions, she, the wife, would get up on a table and dance and strip, to spice up the relationship. She stepped down from the witness stand and demonstrated the dance. Unfortunately the jury came back guilty. Which doesn't matter much now - it's all about the dance.

I'M A CRIMINAL

2009-04-11T18:34:00.000-07:00

last night I had a dream. I did an armed robbery using my antique WWII M-1. Immediately caught I was in a police car and the cop said - "If you tell me what happened I'll give you a break. I know that this was a one time thing and you're not a criminal." In my show - IT'S CRIMINAL the comedy - I do a bit based on my experiences as a criminal defense lawyer about my clients confessing at the drop of a hat. It amazes me they listen to the cops horseshit they use about helping them out etc. In my dream, that's just what happens - the cop says to me - "if you tell me what happened I'll be able to help you out." I think what the hell - and confess. The next thing that happens is I'm in jail and I'm wondering if there is any possible way to escape and how I can case the joint out without the guards knowing that I'm thinking about escaping. And I'm scared.

EYE WITNESS

2009-04-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

Eye witnesses are a nightmare for me cause they're so believable. Everyone believes they saw what they say they saw. Even if we read tons of stories in newspapers about some guy getting out of prison after 30 years because some DNA proved that he couldn't be the guy the eyewitness id'd. Even though we see these reports over and over - you put an eyewitness up there and he says "He's the guy!" pointing at my client and the jury is going to convict.
Recently in trial - liquor store robbery with guns and a shootout. The witness who is in the shootout says he saw everything, everything down to minute details about how my guy looked.
I ask. "How's your vision?"
Without hesitation - "Perfect."
But it looks like one of his eyes is higgly so I ask -
"Is something wrong with your right eye?"
"My right eye? Yeah, it’s a prosthetic."

MEDIA QUESTION

2009-04-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

Why is it that whenever the cops record an interrogation they put the microphone close to the cops and you can hear them clear as a bell but the guy being worked over - usually my client - you can never hear clearly. Do they do this on purpose?

WHAT DO YOU CALL 8 JUDGES STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR

2009-04-04T09:11:00.001-07:00

As I'm leaving the Criminal Courts for lunch a deputy sheriff with glee in his voice shouts "Did you hear there are 8 judges stuck in the elevator!" Wow.

PHILOSOPHICAL MUSINGS IN COURT

2009-04-02T17:36:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in court and hear this exchange. "Well Mr. so & so if you want to go )pro per (be your own lawyer)you'll be going up against someone who has been to college and then law school and is a tremendously experienced prosecutor. Do you think you can handle that?" "Yes your honor." "Well Mr. so & so - do you even know if the crime you are charged with committing, manslaughter is a general intent or specific intent crime?" Mr. So & So waits a long time. I'm thinking. I don't know the answer. I don't think the judge knows the answer - in fact God doesn't know the answer because nobody knows the answer. That's my position.

SHOUT OUT TO JUSTICE FACTOR

2009-03-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

Hey dog!

elevators at the ccb

2009-03-12T16:27:00.000-07:00

i'm on the elevator today in the ccb (folz justice center) and there's this young man wearing a suit and an enormous badge announcing he's with the DA's office who gets on and he's whistling. Not absent-mindedly - like people do but he's whistling like he's performing a symphony. We're not alone on the elevator. There's a couple of jurors and a couple of "clients" (could be anybody but they're not lawyers I can tell you that). I'm uncomfortable. People just don't whistle once they get on the elevator. His badge says he's with the DA's office. On the fifth floor a public defender gets on. The whistler continues. The PD shakes his head. the young DA stops whistling and as I get off the elevator says "whistling not allowed on the elevators?" This is a real question I'm sure. I turn and say "no, no whistling on the elevator."

CHRISTMAS TALE 10

2009-03-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

The elevator comes and Arthur goes silent. We walk out the front doors of the CCB. "So tell me what happened Arthur?" Arthur shrugs. "What do you think? The jury came back, guilty, murder in the first degree. They were out for every one of 15 minutes. They were not persuaded by Imelda at all. They knew Joker was the murderer. Could I blame them? Let’s go over to the Cathedral – I’ll buy you a coffee.” With my money – but what the hell my car is parked there anyway. At the Cathedral Arthur gets the coffees and a couple of donuts which he devours in a heartbeat. “The next day I get a call from a Father Walter Jacoby. He’s one of the priests at the church where Joker’s daughter’s baptism took place. It’s urgent that we meet, he says, could I come over to the church and talk to him? When was the last time I was inside a Roman Catholic Church with a priest? I’ll tell you, boychik, never. By the time I arrive, Father Walter is a nervous wreck. He's got to confess to someone, he says, even if it's a lawyer. He tells me how he had lied to my investigator when he had been interviewed. Father Walter had actually seen Joker that Christmas day on the steps outside the church door enjoying a cigarette. Father Walter, a secret smoker, had gone outside for a quick smoke, while Imelda and the baby were waiting for him to do the baptism. The priest wanted to make everything right because he was sure that Joker could not have done it. I wasn't too sure that we could do anything about it. It's not like it was DNA which is the only thing anybody believes in these days. And I don't believe in miracles do I? What’s truly miraculous about this is that the DA and the cops actually took this new evidence seriously. They believed this priest.
Even gave him a lie detector test. They convinced themselves that Joker was not there doing the killing that Christmas Day. The wrong guy. Because Joker hadn’t been sentenced yet there was still time to rectify this situation where justice had not prevailed, according to the DA. She scheduled a motion to dismiss the case notwithstanding the jury's verdict. I called Joker's parents to tell them the good news. Joker's sister answered the phone. She didn't even let me tell her the news. ‘Somebody stabbed him in jail. He’s dead.’ It could have been retaliation for the murder he was accused of or retaliation for another gang activity or something entirely unrelated. There were never any arrests made. It all happened on Christmas."

CHRISTMAS TALE 9

2009-02-26T11:09:00.001-08:00

"Imelda took the stand. She was spectacular. I believed every word she said. Joker, her husband, mistreated her; Joker was a miserable human being; she hoped she'd never have to see him again; she hoped her daughter would never have to see him either. In fact, Imelda prayed every day that her husband never would be released from jail. And, then I asked her about Joker's whereabouts on Christmas Day. She reluctantly produced the baptismal certificate with the date of the murder and the baptism - Christmas Day. She said her husband indeed had been with her at the Church on at exactly the same time as the killing took place. This is what I refer to, boychik, as an excellent alibi witness. Joker kept on making comments to me during her entire testimony - 'why'd you put her up there? she's a whore. she doing favors for you old man?' I tried to explain to him that she was probably saving him from spending the rest of his life in prison but somehow he didn't seem to appreciate this.
Imelda survived cross admirably. She more than survived, she was triumphant. How can you effectively cross examine the truth? That's what I say. We argued to the jury and the jury went out to deliberate."

CHRISTMAS TALE 8

2009-02-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

The Judge banged his gavel and simultaneously jumped off the bench. Court's done, finally. But Arthur is still going on. I'm trying to be polite, I love Arthur, but I want to get outta there. "Arthur..." I try to make him aware that we're the only ones left in the entire courtroom. Arthur doesn't get it. He keeps on telling me the story. "And then the civilian - Hector Gutierrez - I must say I made mince meat of him. He actually got huffy with me when I put it to him that that the view from his window was obstructed behind bars and trees." "Arthur I gotta go." I blurted this out. He looked at me like I had stabbed him in the abdomen. "I thought you wanted to hear the story?" "I do Arthur but they're closing the courtroom." He looked around and seemed to recognize the truth of what I had just said. He frowned with disapproval. He got up out of his chair with a major league grunt. Then his face brightened like he had come up with a solution to a major dilemma. "Okay boychick I'll finish the story on the way out." And he continued talking as I gathered up my stuff and we left the courtroom and went towards the elevators. It was a good strategy on Arthur's part because those CCB elevators can take a very long time to arrive.

CHRISTMAS TALE 7

2009-02-05T17:04:00.000-08:00

"Actually the trial itself, once we started with the witnesses went rather well. Boxer's girlfriend, Loretta, quite the looker as we used to say (why do these gangsters attract such lovely gals? After 50 years making this observation I still have no viable theory) - you do remember Boxer, the innocent young man admirably washing his automobile on Christmas day when he was allegedly gunned down at the hands of my client? Loretta took the stand and contrary to what she had told the police before, testified that she was in fact, unable to actually see the gunman as she was still in the apartment when she heard the shots. She had only told the police that she had seen my client because that was the word on the street and she wanted someone to be held accountable for the loss of her beloved Boxer. Our prosecutor, a hard as nails blonde DA, strongly resembling what I imagine to be a Valkyrie, Ms. Ashley Armstrong, did not take this turn of events well. She accused Loretta of lying because she was afraid of gang retaliation. Loretta denied this, holding firmly to her "wanting to tell the truth." Ms. Armstrong reacted to this phrase "wanting to tell the truth" very much as I imagine she would to an obscenity. She accused poor Loretta of disloyalty not only to the truth but to her beloved departed Boxer. Now the tears flowed down Loretta's rosy cheeks. Ms. Armstrong icily terminated her questioning. I had no questions of Loretta.

CHRISTMAS TALE 6

2009-02-05T11:07:00.000-08:00

"Okay, maybe not an Astronaut, I'm simply not going to allow myself to be confined in a box for a week or however long it takes to travel in space these days but rest assured I am capable of it if necessary. You do want to hear about the trial?" Arthur didn't even stop long enough for me to answer. "We end up in front of the Honorable Jim Rogers, Jr., the judge with the internal combustible engine for a mind. Explodes thirty times a minute. Not quite explode - he builds up to an explosion but then at the last moment contains himself and all you hear is this faint whisper. 'I don't know what you're doing Mr. Famish.' After he'd said this for the tenth time in front of the jury I must have given him a slightly angry look - and for the first time I heard his voice come out loud and angry - 'Are you eyeballing me!!!' I was startled and continued to gaze at him. 'You better not be eyeballing me!' I responded with perfect dignity even if I say so myself - I looked at the ground and said 'I am not eyeballing your honor.' That's all I said. Lovely isn't it? I actually expected applause from the jury. But they continued to look on as they had from the start of this trial - in complete and utter boredom."

CHRISTMAS TALE 5

2009-01-31T12:57:00.000-08:00

Arthur smiled at me. “I know exactly what you’re thinking - 'another ferkokta alibi.' Can't say I did not have the same view, which I conveyed to my client, Mr. Beltran aka Joker. That’s precisely when we got off on the wrong foot so to say. Mr. Beltran reacted quite negatively to my suggestion that his “alibi” was an alibi much in need of corroboration. Indeed, he very quickly began questioning my competency as an attorney. In his own words ‘I want a Real Lawyer!’ Ah yes there were several Marsdens*, all, unfortunately without success - I remained Joker's lawyer. Joker was not happy. He even made threats of dire physical consequences to myself if I didn’t remove myself from his case. He didn’t understand that I was unable to comply because I could not simply pass him and his most unpleasant personality on to a colleague as much as I may have liked to - simply a case of 'do not do unto others what you would not want done unto you'. When he realized we were stuck with each other he took to calling me “old man” – I believe he considered this insulting. I can’t say I especially enjoyed it, really, am I that old? I’m a relatively young 73 year old. I could be President of the United States or even an Astronaut! Don't you think?"
I agreed with Arthur even though I couldn't help but think that Arthur Famish was - kind of a throwback to another era.

*Marsden motion is a request from a defendant for the Judge to replace his current attorney (public defender or court appointed) with another attorney, based on the incompetent representation of the current attorney.

CHRISTMAS TALE 4

2009-01-20T16:41:00.001-08:00

The Judge took the bench and the dock started to fill up with prisoners waiting to be arraigned. Arthur seemed to snap out of it. “Her name was Imelda. What she was doing with Joker who could imagine? A real nice girl. She had to nudge Joker to death before he agreed to have their little girl baptized. She threatened to take the baby to the church by herself if he wouldn’t come. Joker would never let her go outside by herself – ever. She literally could not go out without him. She said it was like being in a prison. So they went to the church. It was on Christmas Day. There was nobody there but the new priest and there was no way he was going to do the baptism but she started crying and the priest agreed to perform the ceremony if they paid the $50 in cash, no checks, no cards."
"So what's the problem? Sounds like the perfect alibi? I'm already dismissing the case."
Arthur wasn't amused. "The problem, boychik, is that Joker stood outside on the front stairs of the church so he wouldn't be deprived of his cigarettes. Joker didn't drink but he sure needed his heroin and his cigarettes. And also, according to Imelda, Joker did not like churches."
I couldn’t believe Arthur was so serious about it – like what was he going to do with that as an alibi?

CHRISTMAS TALE 3

2009-01-14T21:29:00.000-08:00

Arthur stuffed a whole donut in his mouth as he explained his case. "The worst part of it was Joker had an alibi."
I grabbed one of Arthur’s donuts before he could get to it.
“He was at his daughter’s baptism at a Roman Catholic Church in El Sereno at the exact moment that Boxer was being gunned down.”
It hit me now was the moment for me to get out of div 30 otherwise I'd be trapped with Arthur's story. He takes his cases and his stories so personally. I quickly excuse myself to approach one of the court clerks. I ask her if the Judge might let me out of there early cause I could see that nothing was happening this Christmas Eve. She shook her head like everybody in the universe had just been asking the same question. “There’s another bus on its way from jail!” I go back to our desk by the front door. Arthur hasn’t moved.
“You took my donut” he says like he just noticed.
“I thought it was for me.”
“If you wanted one I would’ve gotten one for you. Now the snack bar’s closed.”
“Sorry.”
“You should be.”
“Okay, okay, so what about the wits for your guy's alibi?”
“Exactly – the witnesses. You’ve got to understand that Mr. Beltran’s former attorney - the one he neglected to pay, thus giving me the opportunity of representing Mr. Beltran, had already done some preliminary investigation of this alibi. Evidently the only person on earth who could remember and corroborate Joker’s story was Joker’s wife. You look at me askance – yes Joker had a wife. She insisted on showing me the marriage certificate when she came to my office. She was quite the pretty little thing.” And then Arthur kind of got lost in the haze of memory.

CHRISTMAS TALE 2

2008-12-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

I had to admit – two girls on the floor of a Taco Bell in East LA trying to kill each other on Christmas Eve? Arthur knew he had me.

“The young gentlemen accompanying them simply stood around watching the girls fight. When it started getting bloody and it looked like the cops were coming the fellows pulled the girls apart and left. One of the girls and some of the fellows ended up at a Christmas Even party at the girl's house. It was at this party hours later in the early morning of Christmas day that two sweet lads with 9mm guns showed up and started shooting at the people standing outside the house. Two members in good standing of the Stanley Park gang were killed. Since the other girl at the Taco Bell brawl was "associated” with the Tatlow gang it was assumed that it was Tatlow that did the deed. Although these are two different gangs, Stanley Park and Tatlow, these people all grew up together in the same neighborhood, went to the same schools, they even intermarried even though some were Stanley Park and some Tatlow. Just like the Cabots and the Lodges.”

It’s beginning to dawn on me that this is going to be a long and complicated story so I ask Arthur where he comes in.

“Boychik I’m getting there. My guy isn’t even involved yet. It’s the retaliation homicide that gets me into this. That very afternoon on Christmas day it takes place, can you imagine, Christmas yet? You know I'm in desperate need for a donut – give me a couple of bucks I don’t seem to have any change on me.”

Arthur is famous for being broke – very broke – as in having the IRS hounding him – due to his apparent longstanding problem with gambling and losing, on the horses. I give him a five dollar bill and off he goes to the snack bar. When he comes back with two donuts and a coffee he settles down and continues.

“A young man by the name of Boxer, a member in good standing of the Tatlow outfit, is gunned down that very afternoon while washing his car in front of his apartment. Not only gunned down but kicked and spat upon by his assailants and I might as well tell you now that I happened to be the lucky attorney to be appointed to represent one of these alleged assailants, allegedly a member of the Stanley Park gang. My client, Angel Beltran, aka Joker, had been identified, through photographs, by the girlfriend of said victim, Boxer. This girlfriend claimed to have seen the entire incident.. My client, Joker, was also identified through photographs, as well, by a Hector Guttierrez, a security guard by trade, who observed the crime from his window.”

I tell Arthur that it looks bad - that's all he was waiting for.

"Looks bad? It was hopeless. And on top of that my client was an extremely unpleasant young man with the Mark of Cain on his brow. I might add he also had several tattoos on the same brow. Looks bad? I should say so."

A CHRISTMAS TALE

2008-12-19T14:55:00.001-08:00

I’m sitting in div 30 at the CCB doing my duty the other afternoon. Extremely slow being just before Christmas (because people are more circumspect about committing crimes or the cops aren’t making the arrests or the DA’s aren’t filing – don’t know) but I’m so bored – looking at my phone waiting for it to ring – then Arthur Famish appears. Arthur (he’s a guy you never call Artie or Art by the way) is what I call an old timer. A criminal lawyer for over 50 years. Everybody knows Arthur. A big man who wears a ratty old vest with a ratty old suit that’s several sizes too small and holes in his pants like they were designer jeans. Arthur knows the law like nobody I know. He knows everything. And Arthur always has a story. “I ever tell you about my Christmas homicide?”

I don’t know if I want to listen to a long story. He insists – “this is a real Christmas tale I’m telling you.” He pulls his chair up close to me. I remind him that neither one of us celebrates Christmas. “What are you so busy? Don’t be such a kvetch – you’ll love this. The police report starts out with this really nasty fight between two Latina girls – they’re trying to kill each other – they’re on the floor they’re biting, kicking, punching, pulling hair. It’s brutal. On Christmas Eve can you imagine? At some Taco Bell in East LA. Now isn’t that a great start to a Christmas tale?"

Phil Spector II's losing me

2008-11-14T11:01:00.000-08:00

okay I admit it the Spector trial has even kind of lost me. I dragged myself downstairs to the 9th floor yesterday out of a sense of duty? and sat for a dull twenty minutes as the DA Jackson questioned one of his witnesses - (the photographer who later on had a car accident and had to have reconstructive surgery on her face) This is the woman who Phil pulled a gun on (allegedly) at the Carlyle Hotel in NYC after some big music biz function because she wanted to go to sleep and Phil wanted to play which pissed Phil off. Why should he pay for her room? (a few years ago my 85 year old father also got pissed off too when he paid for this lady's trip up to the Catskills for a singles weekend and she wouldn't play - he sued her for his expenses. The People's Court wanted to do the case but Pop didn't want to be on TV Now that would've been a helluva case on TV).

UPCOMING SHOW AT THE MBAR NOV 16, 2008

2008-11-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

YouTube - Murray Meyer's Its Criminal
these are excerpts from my show - It's Criminal - getting people off & other legal fantasies, an idiosyncratic travelogue through our criminal justice system
see the entire show - MBAR - Fountain & Vine in Hollywood, 7PM, Sunday, Nov 16, 2008 call the club for reservations - 323 856 0036

phil spector II - talk about a mesheguna

2008-11-04T22:20:00.000-08:00

Dorothy Melvin, Joan Rivers manager, testifies about the incident in 1993 when Phillip hit her with a gun and pulled a shotgun on her. Then Phillip, ever the legal strategist, follows up with a voice message - "call us we'd love to hear from you."

Phillip wasn't even a boyfriend though she did have a "physical" relationship "on rare occasions" - think the defense lawyer Weinberg once even used the word "sex". Phillip was "insane" but also a "charmer and "a genious", according to Ms. Melvyn, who seemed very eager to share her experiences as much as she declared loudly how she didn't want to.

PHIL SPECTOR II - Christmas with Joan Rivers

2008-11-03T16:28:00.000-08:00

Phillip and his lawyers wearily stand up when the jury come & go. I can't help but note how hunched over Phillip is - like he's in prayer.

There's an aura of threadbareness about this trial. Not well attended - when I get there I thought maybe it had been postponed again. Phil doesn't even have the same number of bodyguards like at that first trial - now he's down to one skinny guy in a black suit - there were at least four burly guys last year. This is like an off-broadway play that's getting no audience but the producer's have plenty of money so it's going to go on despite the poor box office. Is there no interest cause Phil's just a famous producer? That's been theorized by some (actually only Beth Lapides) But I'm not buying it. What if it was Spielberg? Or Steve Jobs? or Warren Buffett? There's something else going on. This trial is too good for the masses. Too nuanced. That's right. Too nuanced. I said it and I'll say it again.

I watched the cross by the defense guy Weinberg (very much with the attitude of "hey we're all adults here) of the ex New York Detective. Tanazzo with a thick New York accent who supposedly heard Phil say something about all women needing a bullet in their head about 10 or was it 20 years ago at a party for Joan Rivers. A Christmas party yet. The frustrated Detective when Weinberg presses about the year this happened in -. "Counselor! (that condescending "counselor" that all cops use everywhere but New York cops do it best) I worked the Christmas parties okay?"

Why isn't the Phil Spector II trial a hit?

2008-10-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

After I finish off my own case (that is, as a lawyer) I go down to dept 106, the courtroom where the trial's taking place, to sit in on the opening arguments. But they're not letting anybody into the courtroom because its filled up. I could wait outside for someone to come out, but what's the point? It's not like it was when I was waiting outside the WGA on Doheny during Yom Kippur services where I was also forced to wait cause they were all filled up (of course the WGA holds about 1,000 seats compared to the courtroom's 40) Free services on Yom Kippur - now that's a deal! But at a Yom Kippur service you know people aren't staying for the whole show and they'll be coming and going. (a theological query - do you get credit for the time standing outside waiting for the doors to open? and if so - as much as being inside?)

But this Spector trial is a situation where nobody's going to come out during the opening statements, I know that.

A Superior Court worker who was also locked out told me that there's no camera in the courtroom - not because of objections from the lawyers but because nobody - that is nobody in the media - gives a shit - nobody has even asked. (and now I just learn that there is no longer Court TV? - what is going on with the world?) I just don't get it. This trial's got everything. First the crime itself is fascinating. Was it murder? Was it an accident? Was it suicide? I know everybody thinks the guy did it but there's evidence to suggest all of the above. The victim, a beautiful, sexy woman; the defendant, a wealthy, eccentric, music business legend. Ok it's not OJ the Original but what is? Certainly not Greta's and Nancy's current crop. Okay I'll submit it on that.

VISITING THE JAIL UP IN WAYSIDE a tale of woe

2008-10-24T23:51:00.000-07:00

It could have been a breeze to visit my client in Wayside which is a part of the County Jail system. That was the plan. Leave first thing in the morning from the west side of Los Angeles and zip up the 405 - if I hit it right - there I am - at the Peter Pitchess Honor Rancho aka Wayside, aka, County Jail, in Castaic, maybe 45 minutes later. But it turns out to be not a breeze. And it's all my fault.

I figured I'd whizz down south on the 405 to Long Beach court house first just to drop off some paperwork. And then whizz back up the 405 to hit Wayside. Things started to slow down when the clogged traffic makes me decide to go look for someplace to eat breakfast and I get off the freeway and go wondering around Manhattan Beach. The problem is I don't know where to eat breakfast in Manhattan Beach - I'm not going to Denny's no matter what - by the time I get back on the 405 south, I'm hungry and already way behind in my plan.

Of course by the time I get to Long Beach I've gotta find someplace to eat breakfast there don't I? And I gotta get the New York Times, don't I? What am I supposed to read at breakfast. But Borders doesn't have the NY Times - there's a big problem with NY Times distribution in Long Beach (that's too big an issue to go into right now) so I get the Wall Street Journal which is actually always a good move and well now I might as well get a latte.

After dropping the paper work off at court (my fee dec if you gotta know) I'm back up on the 405 north.

Now I'm flying but as I'm getting over the hill and nearing Ventura Boulevard I note that it's 11:30am. Goddammit! MIGHT AS WELL GO FOR LUNCH. I was going to wait till after I saw my guy - as a reward - but I'll be honest - I have a problem with this gratification delay thing- always have - AND - for some reason I'm kind of sleepy. I've got no choice.

I pull off the freeway and drive east on Ventura Boulevard hoping to spot Art's Deli or something good. BUT there's alot of construction work on the Boulevard and traffic isn't moving, so I park. I walked and walked and it's hot - this is the Valley - it's over 90. There's a Borders and yeah baby, I got my NY TIMES. Across the street there's a place shouting out to me - it's called "HAMLET" - whatamigonnado? I get a burger. No fries.
By the time I get to NCCF it's 230pm.
I wait in front of the glass for 15 solid minutes while the deputy inputs something –and loudly ignores me. I'm not saying a word. Who am I to kvetch about waiting.
The drive back I never stopped once even for a snack - the traffic was too good.

Oh I did visit my guy. It was nice.

Here's why I'm not a PEOPLE PERSON

2008-10-21T21:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you start off with the best of intentions – you’re going to be a people person – you're going to give all the loving you can like everyone is going to die at midnight (the advice that the Rev Earl gave to W when W got born again and saved - according to O Stone). That’s just what I was trying to do yesterday morning at court in Long Beach. As I stood outside of Dept 10, I could sense that someone needed me, needed my love and I was ready. A young black woman – age 18-25, stood in front of me and asked "where's SO 7". Even if she didn’t actually use the word "please" I wasn't going to hold it against her. Because I was there to give all the love I could. I knew what "SO" was – that’s the building we were in - easy. We were right across from SO 10 – I quickly realized that. I knew that SO 6 was down at the other end of the floor. I knew where SO 9 was; I knew where SO 8 was, but 7, SO 7, just rang no bell in my brain. I was mulling it over when she spit it out – “You don’t have to waste my time, just say you don't know.” And she walked away down the hall. Wow. All I wanted was to give the love and a body blow first thing in the morning.
And now I’m remembering I know 7; I’ve been in 7; it’s the misdemeanor court down the hall.
By the time I got to my preliminary hearing, I was already bummed out. The DA is a friendly, collegial tone asks me to waive the preliminary hearing (she didn't say but I knew the reason was it was going to take a couple of days and she had other stuff to do). I was all outa love by then. "Are you kidding? You yell when I’m not ready for the prelim (I'd been in trial a couple of times when the prelim hearing had been scheduled and had to ask for postponements) and now you want me to waive it? No." She's offended. “I never screamed at you." And she was right She never did. But how was she to know that I hear "anger" as a scream – it goes back to my mother. I did realize this but things had gone so far to the toilet already with my one selfless act of love already rejected that it was too late to turn this ship I call "me" around and be a human being. And so yet again I learn a lesson in life.

MEMBERS OF THE JURY

2008-10-12T17:22:00.001-07:00

I just make it into the elevator at CCB (that’s the Criminal Courts Building which is now called something else which I refuse to recognize.) The elevator is full of Jurors. I can tell a Juror a mile away. Defendants and their family & friends I know. Lawyers I know. And Jurors I know.
The elevator doors, as usual, is having problems. They aren’t closing. They start to close; they get about halfway and then stop and open up. It does this several times. I’m standing a good foot away from the plane of the doors (which I know would prevent them from closing. I've been coming to this building for 21 years. It's a 60’s building which was a piece of shit when it was new – now it’s 50 years later – what can you expect?)
I hear a voice coming from just behind me - “Stand back from the door!” Is he talking to me? I’m a good foot away. And then the next time the doors refuse to close, his voice becomes louder and more authoritative: “Stand back, you’re not letting the door close!” Who are you talking to? Time slows extravagantly every time the doors start to close and then jar open. By this time, the rest of the population of the elevator – the Jurors - join in. "Would you get away from the door!"
In my comedy act I say about Jurors: “They come to my building and don’t know how to work the elevators and they’re the Deciders?”
I’m trying to maintain my cool. I’m watching my reflection in the door and my face is definitely turning red. Are any of these assholes in my jury? Wait a second - I’m not in trial.
I turn around and face this mob.
“I ride these fucking elevators every fucking day, assholes. They just do that.“ Okay I didn't actually say "fucking". The guy that started it all looks just like a retired plumber or Cop. There’s no response from anybody. It’s like everyone is in a state of shock.
And then, miraculously, the doors close successfully and we all ride up, in total silence. Not another word or look is exchanged. I get off at the 13th floor and go to the attorney’s lounge. Fucking jurors.

THE LINE-UP

2008-09-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

Have to go to a line-up at Men’s Central Jail the other night. They got a big room set up for this. It’s actually a theater in the jail. An Equity Waiver house of about 100 seats. Its got an elevated stage and a glass partition running through the stage like a curtain. This separates the “actors” (the six inmates, all black, all short hair, all about 5’8”) from the “audience” (the cops, the attorney [me], and the witness for whom this entire production has been set up.)
I wonder how they get these actors. Do they request volunteers? Somehow I doubt it – who would volunteer for the chance to be identified in a lineup for some crime you may not know anything about? Of course all the actors are in jail for something. Maybe they do volunteer out of boredom. Nah.
The room is all very 40’s. There’s the photographer for the Sheriff’s Dept. with the huge camera to document; there’s a set of Flash Gordon dials, round & circular, on a side wall to manage the lights inside the actors side of the partition. When the lights are turned on inside the partition you can see the actors very clearly but they cannot see into the audience. (at least that’s what the “Emcee”– a plainclothes Deputy Sheriff repeatedly tells the witness, a black man wearing a baseball cap.) “They can’t see you, they can’t hear you.” I believe the sound proofing claim cause the photographer had to shout to the Deputy inside to acknowledge that he was done shooting the scene.
The Emcee comes over to me and asks me if I know which one of the six guys is my client. I said “no”. I’d seen my client twice before, briefly, in court. But I wouldn’t be able to pick him out. The Emcee holds up two fingers. It takes me a second to realize he’s giving me the number my guy’s wearing on the front of his jailhouse blues in the lineup. “Oh” I nod that I understand.
They really put those actors through their paces. They got to stand forward, turn around, walk to each side of the stage, sit down, look sideways, turn themselves completely around, turn to one side and then to the other. It’s a whole production. Its amazing how good they are. They respond to the Emcee’s barked instructions like they had rehearsed this show for weeks.
Finally they ask the wit to pick the guy. He shakes his head and throws his hands up. He doesn’t pick anybody. The actors leave the stage through a back exit. And then the audience goes home.

POWER IN THE COURT

2008-09-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

I’m in a rape trial – titanic forces of evil and good crashing against each other.
What’s the Climax of this Cosmic Confrontation for me?
I call a witness and I project a map of southern California onto the big screen for the jury. There’s an issue about the route the alleged victim took to get to Los Angeles where she was allegedly brutally raped by my client. You don’t want to know the details, trust me. I pull out my LASER PEN - I’ve been waiting to do this ever since I got the pen few weeks ago from another lawyer during another trial. But I didn’t have occasion to use it until now, 3 weeks into this trial.
I’m pointing on the map with MY LASER trying to locate Temecula, California and all of a sudden there’s another beam on the map – this beam is coming from the direction of the bench – the Judge.
HIS HONOR has whipped out HIS LASER PEN and he’s pointing it right on Temecula – “thank you your honor”, I say. I’m hoping he’ll back off but no he keeps it right on the map going to all the other cities we’re talking about – San Clemente, San Diego, Riverside, San Bernadino. I’m thinking what am I gonna do? Could I say “Your honor could you just let me use my goddamn LASER?." No, I couldn't.
I diplomatically with reluctance withdraw my LASER. The judge finishes up MY PRESENTATION with HIS LASER.
What can you do?

THE BEST GIG IN THE WORLD

2008-09-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in Long Beach waiting for my case to be called. I've been there since 830am- it's 1030am already. I'm there to set a preliminary hearing for a new case - a little homicide. There are two defendants - it would've been zip zip but the attorney for the other guy hasn't showed up. The DA got tired of waiting and went back to her office. I'm calling this lawyer and calling him - I'm calling and he's not coming. There's nothing I can do until he comes. Then this guy sits down next to me in front of "the bar". I've seen him around for years. Never had a conversation with him. He's got a pony tail and I'm prejudiced. We start talking about this DA dying. "We're dropping like flies" he says. I agree. Then he says how he goes to a court sometimes where's he's been going for 30 years and nobody knows him and he doesn't know anybody. I empathize. And then he said "but you know - this is still the best gig in the world isn't it?" "Yeah it is." I agreed.

Why this guy pisses me off.

2008-09-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Figure in Rosenberg Case Admits to Soviet Spying

By SAM ROBERTS
Published: September 11, 2008

In 1951, Morton Sobell was tried and convicted with Julius and Ethel Rosenberg on espionage charges. He served more than 18 years in Alcatraz and other federal prisons, traveled to Cuba and Vietnam after his release in 1969 and became an advocate for progressive causes.
Through it all, he maintained his innocence.
But on Thursday, Mr. Sobell, 91, dramatically reversed himself, shedding new light on a case that still fans smoldering political passions. In an interview, he admitted for the first time that he had been a Soviet spy.
(NEW YORK TIMES)

What pisses me off about this guy isn't that he was a Soviet spy - it isn't that he's lied for all these years about being a spy - -organized protest groups (I think I may have participated in some demonstrations to "free Sobell") - even when he got out of prison he went on a lecture circuit proclaiming his and Julius Rosenberg's innocence - what gets me is that he writes a book and about 3/4's of it is about how it was his lawyers and the Rosenbergs' lawyers who screwed up. Never mind that he was caught redhanded - never mind the evidence - including his flight to Mexico under a phony name when Julius Rosenberg was arrested, (he has the chutzpah to claim that he skipped out because he felt the political climate was "getting bad"). No, it was his two lawyers and the Rosenbergs' lawyers who fucked up and caused their convictions. That's what Sobell writes. And when you get down into the details of what this guy has to say it's remarkably similar to the complaints I get everyday from many of my clients. Oh if only I had handled their case differently. I know I'm taking this very personally and it's not personal. But what a piece of shit this guy is.

YOU'D THINK I KILLED SOMEONE - THAT'S MY ARM IN THE PHOTO

2008-09-12T12:32:00.000-07:00

OMG I’m sent out for trial downtown to begin my 7 count forcible rape re-trial. That’s ok but I have a preliminary hearing set the next day in Long Beach. It’s been postponed a few times. And I’ve got another trial set the next week (14 counts of robbery) also in Long Beach. The Judge wants to see me. The DA wants to see me. There I am surrounded by the Judge, the 2 DA’s – the one on the preliminary hearing and the one on the robbery trials. They’re “frustrated”. They’re “upset”. They’re “pissed off”. At ME! Cause “YOU GOT YOURSELF ENGAGED!” (for you non criminal attorneys “being engaged” has nothing to do with marriage or sex. [well, maybe] It means that you can only do one thing at a time. If you’re in a trial well you’re not going to be able to do a preliminary hearing or another trial. That’s what it means. I’m a trial lawyer – I go to trials when some judge tells me I’m going. That’s it. But there I am in Long Beach being accused of “GETTING MYSELF ENGAGED!” That’s exactly what the DA’s say. “Mr. Meyer continues to get himself engaged!” They’re beside themselves with anger. You’d think I’d done all the rapes, carjackings, and kidnappings. Okay so their schedules had to be changed. They work me over good. By the time I slink out of there I am so relieved that I’m still in one piece and not in jail myself, I’m actually really looking forward to the relaxation of fighting my forcible rape trial.

a win is a win is a win

2008-09-07T23:01:00.000-07:00

When a win is a win – oh how I wish I could have that look on a win. It’s got to be someone you know is innocent. What are the chances of that? That’s a lot of pressure on a person. And then you gotta, gotta, get the not guilty verdict. Then you can have the same look of shock, relief, gratitude as Johnny Cochrane. Except I could never get myself to believe that Johnny thought OJ was innocent. Maybe he did? I just got a hung jury on a murder & attempted murder, unfortunately the jury found my client guilty on another murder. So I didn't have the same look as Johnny had after his verdict.
see my video @

ADMONISHED BY THE JUDGE - HOW SWEET IT IS!

2008-08-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

Closing argument on a hopeless case - trying for anything that'll possibly stick. So go way out there - the DA objects! The judge comes down hard on me for "inviting the jury to indulge in "speculation" - heaven forbid! I'm thinking: "Good going Murray, you're really doing your job when you get the judge to interrupt the sacrosanct Closing Argument to "admonish" you (read "SCOLD"). Thank you, Your Lordship.

Where's the gun?

2008-08-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

For some reason many of my clients and their mothers and their girlfriends firmly believe that if the police don't have the crime weapon - the GUN -"there's no evidence". I've been trying to figure out where this "urban legend" comes from. Is it CSI or Law & Order and the other shows? Don't think so, they don't watch those shows. I think it goes back to the primeval ooze when some guy beat his case because of something to do with a gun the cops didn't have - and ever since then the legend has spread out and taken root so that this is one of the "truths" my clients and their mothers and their girlfriends "know" about the legal system. Doesn't matter that the cops have a taped confession; eye witnesses; casings; et al. "Where's the gun? There's no evidence." Maybe I'm missing something?

HOW SWEET IT IS!(schadenfreude but what are you gonna do?)

2008-08-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

Roosevelt Dorn, former judge, genuine arrogant asshole as a judge and now he sits like a regular defendant in our own little attorney lounge with his lawyer (one of the Big Guys but a nice guy) – accused of fanegling a loan for himself as the mayor of Inglewood. At least Phil Spector, who last year during his trial, spent every lunch hour in the lounge with his Entourage –brought in some good deli, once, which went a long way making him okay as far as I was concerned.

DAistic - i've just coined it - it means - "Oh I represent the PEOPLE and I'm one step from heaven."

2008-08-21T11:17:00.001-07:00

In court to set trial date on a case with over 20 robbery counts. It's a new DA on the case. She asks me for my card. I give it to her. "What's your cell number?" she says. I give it to her. "What's your cell number?" I innocently ask. She looks at me a little surprised. "Oh I can't give you that."
These are the important moments in the CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM

2008-08-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

I’m waiting in court for my jury to come back with its guilty verdict when another case is called. It’s a Motion for New Trial. The lawyer for the convicted defendant is so angry. Amazed to see how he really goes over the edge with the judge. He’s actually being abusive to her. “Well you didn’t even read my brief.” “Yes I did, counsel and I don’t like your tone.” “It’s been sitting in front of you the whole morning and you never took a look at it. I was watching.” I’m very curious – how much shit is she going to take from this guy? His eyes are bulging. He looks like he hadn’t slept in days. Was he high? It ended without him being sent to lockup – which I thought it would. As he walks by I say to him - “I thought you were about to go join your client” and looked towards the lockup. “Well this is a serious case”, he says. I couldn’t believe he said that. Is he kidding? Like my case isn’t “serious”. Asshole.

2008-08-19T21:50:00.000-07:00

This is the view from the attorney's lounge at the Foltz Criminal Justice Ctr aka CCB. I've spent alot of time in the lounge - which consists of a couple of tables, chairs and two sofas - looking out at that building I love. It used to be the Hall of Records, then a courthouse where they tried the Charlie Manson murders and then a jail and sheriff's HQ. Now - ever since the Northridge quake 1994 - only the pigeons use it.